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What if I want to fuck my wife and another woman or man at the same time?
Life’s about goals friend!
Asexual people and relationships exist
Also what does lack of sex have to do with polyamory?
They weren’t implying a lack of sexual desire altogether. They were implying someone who was no longer attracted to their spouse but wanted to have sex with other people instead would just call themselves poly instead of getting a divorce…
Like how all those cishet guys go through years of emotional and hormone therapy, multiple surgeries, etc, so they can perv out in the women’s restroom by calling themselves trans. Obviously /s
Shitting on Poly people seems still fashionable.
I think I understand why people hate on them. First, cheaters in monogamous relationships. What people don’t realize is that there are cheaters in Poly relationships to. It’s actually a ton of extra work making sure everyone and their wishes are respected.
Second, religious fundamentalists. People think of Mormons mostly when thinking of Poly people. Misogyny, religous indoctrination, all the worst shit you can think of. Not all Poly people are religious you know.
Polyamorus people deserve marriage equality. They deserve to love the way they want.
Hating Mormons for polyamory is like hating Hitler for being vegan.
I think a lot of people have the experience of dating someone who does not reveal they are poly until it is too “late.” I have a friend who is constantly meeting people and then learning that they already have a boyfriend, which is extremely frustrating.
My ex husband also decided that he wanted to be poly. I was okay with it (I had no interest in pursuing other relationships myself) - but then he decided to throw our marriage away so he could chase legal teens half our age…
The worst part is that you are supposed to feel “compersion” or something. It wasn’t enough to let my husband fuck teenagers, I had to be happy about it. It made me feel absolutely horrible and devastated my self esteem.
The poly lifestyle also sort of encourages you to view relationships as means to an end and disposable. You see this person for your sex needs, this person for your emotional needs and so on. It’s not a lifetime partnership.
Ive seen about 5 open marriage relationships first hand as part of my social circle, and maybe another 10 open dating relationships in the same expanded social circle. All hetero relationships, and I’d say slightly more than half of them were initiate by the woman. All “progressive” / non-religious poly.
This has been about a 15 year period, and every single one of those relationships at this point is over, or on deaths door.
My closest friend at one point was one of those, and I watched him slowly get more and more depressed over 6-8 months before opening up to me about it. He was critical of me passing judgement on poly relationships until I told him “OTHER people are capable of poly relationships. YOU are not.” And that’s really my only criticism to poly stuff. It is possible to be two well adjusted people participating in a long term mutually consensual polyamorus relationship. But those are about as common as rolling a natural 20 in the sample set of poly relationships. The rest are just headed for the garbage and at least one person in the relationship already knows it.
Real Polyamorus deserve marriage equality and to love the way they want. Most of the others are just virtue signaling and wearing it like a fashion statement, which is why they get made fun of.
I just feel bad for all the children who are unwittingly created and raised by these poly fetish people.
Polyamory is not a fetish
Yep, all those kids who get more attention, more love, more money, more education… Really feel bad for them. Maybe one day they’ll be lucky and have a single parent who works all the time like I did. 🙄
And it would be weird to have a poly parent just vacate from your life because they have no technical legal rights to see you.
You do realize that lots of people have friends that perform parenting roles with their kids, right? E.g. Couples who are friends that each babysit for each other.
The event of the friendship ending has the same psychological effect on the children as having a poly partner leave the relationship.A lot of these imagined “harms” and weird situations are regular events that people already experience. It’s the defamiliarization of seeing it in a setting that you perceive as weird that makes it seem harmful and/or weird.
You do understand that two people can not be married, and have kids together, right? Just because they’re not married doesn’t mean the mom or dad has no legal rights to the kid. The father is the father regardless of the relationship status of the parents and same for the mother.
Also, my dad wasn’t poly, and he vacated my life all on his own.
Okay Karen.
Sounds like someone who is offended people live a lifestyle other then their preferred one and I feel it’s best to just ignore this person.
That’s exactly what this sounds like, or maybe someone who doesn’t know what their book is about
Yep. And I’m not even poly. It would never work for me. But I’m not gonna be bitchy to other people because I don’t live their lifestyle. This is exactly the same as telling gay people to just go fuck a person of the opposite gender.
To me, polyamory is in the same category as cuckolding in the sense that it’s none of my business…but I think it’s weird fetish.
I don’t feel like it’s possible to love multiple people simultaneously and equally. Anecdotally I know two people who have been in poly relationships and they were messy, both ending with one monogamous couple and the remaining person getting cast out.
I know that doesn’t describe every poly relationship… that’s just my own secondhand experience and I haven’t seen anything to offset it.
But…it’s not my life so I wasn’t gonna stop them. I just wouldn’t recommend anyone try it
I think this might be the worst post in this thread.
Like, you admit you have no experience and don’t really know what you’re talking about, but you didn’t let that stop you.
OP literally asked “what is your opinion” to an open forum
Ok. Some opinions are bad.
Ok. I was pretty clear that I was only speaking about the polyamory I’ve personally seen in my own life.
Meanwhile, you’ve come to this post to add absolutely nothing to the conversation. Not sure how you could write something so useless and then accuse me of having the the worst comment here.
Maven, a person with first-hand experience with polyamory, managed to refute my opinion while adding to the conversation.
You’re the comic underling popping out behind the boss to say “yeah, what they said!”
You know what?
I’m sorry I came at you with such hostility.
I’ve done polyamory for a long time and “it’s just a fetish” and “it doesn’t work” hit a nerve. I’m glad other people made more patient, effective, comments.
Thanks. I shouldn’t have called it a fetish but after being told otherwise, I didn’t want to be the kind of person to edit their comments to make themselves look better. I still do think that polyamory doesn’t work for the vast majority of people (which seems to be a popular opinion even with the polyamorous) but I’m not an outspoken critic or anything.
I WOULD still discourage my friends from trying it because…I know them very, very well. They’d be the “transitional” polyamory couples spoken about elsewhere in this post. But if they went for it, I wouldn’t look down on them for it. I never said anything negative to the two that have already tried and failed, either.
Polyamory is not a fetish and is not related to sex at all. People who practice polyamory CAN have sex but that’s not what polyamory is. The people who do poly just to get laid are the ones that fail.
(Source: currently engaged to my fiancé and about to celebrate my 1 year with my bf. Nothing sexual about it… Just a lot of love)
Glad it’s working for you. I think too many people get caught up in the idea without thinking it through which inevitably leads to fallout.
That’s the big thing. Polyamory is a LOT of work and most people don’t want to put that effort in.
It’s also just in general not for everyone. Nothing is for everyone… but I feel like every time I see people online generally talking about polyamory it’s always examples of people who didn’t want to put in the work, doing it poorly.
Just because it isn’t for everyone doesn’t mean it can never work. It’s a lot better for people to be talking about healthy ways to do it so people who would enjoy polyamory can do it correctly the first time.
Hence why I’d discourage people from trying it but wouldn’t interfere if they were already doing it. If it works, it works…but it doesn’t work for 99% of people.
Oh you ran the numbers, eh?
The main issue is people who aren’t mature enough for ONE relationship thinking they can handle MULTIPLE relationships simultaneously.
Also, you hear a lot about the poly horror stories (sure, there are lots of them) but people seem to ignore the fact that normal relationships experience all the same horror stories.
Exactly my thoughts as well!
Poly is not the reason that you can’t communicate, Steven.
And also the people who are definitely the problem sure are drawn to the idea of getting multiple partners at once
This is a bad post. Polyamory is NOT about sex and it’s NOT a fetish.
It can work extremely well and be extremely loving if done correctly. The problem is, it’s not as easy as people often think it is when trying to idealize it.
Communication is extremely important in every relationship and that only multiplies when you have more than one partner.
If you have a feeling of jealousy… Talk about it…
If you don’t think your partner is spending enough time with you… Talk about it…
If you aren’t enjoying sex with your partner… TALK ABOUT IT!
I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 4 years, my bf and I are celebrating our 1 year next month, and I have a new first date next Wednesday. My fiancé has even been with their nesting partner (who is monogamous) for 8 years now.
This all happened because we have clear ground rules and boundaries as well as active communication.
I’ve never felt more loved than when my fiancé helped me pick out my outfit for my first date with my bf.
I love them both so tremendously and it pisses me off when people tell me that isn’t possible or that all I care about is sex.
Mah people represent 🥹
What if I wanna talk and they don’t?
As with any relationship, you can either decide it’s not worth it to keep bringing up… Or if it matters a lot to you, you can break up.
Sometimes, even with a lot of communication, the relationship just doesn’t work. Not everyone is meant to be. Sometimes your needs are very different from your partner(s) needs and separation is the best way to make you both happier in the long run.
I posed it as a question for a reason. I can say every poly relationship I have known has ended in flames, but I’m open to all opinions.
But there is no question some people should just get divorced.
I can say every poly relationship I have known has ended in flames
I strongly dislike this trope. Most monogamous relationships also end badly. Relationships are hard.
Well they have is all I can say. Two of them ended particularly badly when the person in them who encouraged the poly relationship up and left the person they invited to be poly. My one friend ended up suddenly homeless when her poly couple threw her out after she had moved across country to be with them, and another who had been encouraged by his wife to practice being poly ended up having said wife vacate the premises while he was away for a weekend and empty their bank account and change her number and vanish. Like it was pretty bad.
Right, but you surely have also seen many monogamous relationships also end badly.
Both of those examples could easily have happened with monogamy.
I could rattle off a bunch of poly relationships that have gone well. I know some folks that are raising a kid. They both have other partners. They’re all pretty happy. Been so for years
Another couple has also been together for years. The one of them has had other relationships for years while the other focused on her career. For the last year or two she’s got more time and is exploring dating. She’s having a blast. They’re all very happy.
There’s a friend I’ve known for years that’s done poly the whole time. He’s had some breakups over the years, but that’s just normal relationship stuff. None of them were to my knowledge catastrophic.
I can also rattle off monogamous relationships that went badly.
It’s absurd to be like “monogamous relationships sometimes end badly. Poly relationships sometimes end badly. The poly ones are due to poly.”
My nesting partner and I do not have a sexual relationship anymore, and that’s totally fine. We’re still in love and enjoy spending lots of time together. Polyamory is not about sex. I have other sexual partners sometimes, and that’s fine. My NP also has a girlfriend who she doesn’t have sex with either, and they get along like gangbusters.
Exactly! Sex is completely unrelated to the process as a whole.
It’s gross how often people think that being in love is just to have someone to fuck.
For a lot of people partnerships, cohabitation, and sex are ALL conflated into one big, messy thing. For a lot of men there’s an amount of ownership in there too.
I think there are an unfortunate number of monogamous people who decide to try polyamory to fix or hold on to a dying relationship. It’s not a surprise that that often goes extremely poorly. It’s not for everyone and it’s not gonna fix any problems.
I’ve dated a couple of people who are poly, and while I’d always been in monogamous relationships, I was open to the idea. I don’t think love is a finite resource, and I’m not a jealous person at all, and it turns out, it doesn’t bother me at all. I also stay well away from anyone who thrives on drama, so all involved were very honest and adult about the whole thing. I wasn’t in a good headspace for any relationship at the time, so it didn’t work, but I’d absolutely be willing to try it again.
It’s really awesome that you noticed your own needs and put those first. That’s really awesome and I’m proud of you for doing so.
I joke with my spouse that we need to get a wife. With 2 kids there is more than enough work for 3 adults.
I also “joke” about this. This late stage capitalism is killing us
My wife and I both work full time. She is in a masters program nights and weekends. We have two elementary school aged kids. We barely get to interact. Another year to go. Fuck I’m tired.
WTH! People are answering this like it was a serious question??? I thought it was a joke, a meme or ‘Terrible Facebook’
Just let people figure out their own relationships! If you feel one way then great. Dont force others to feel the same way as you though!
There’s also asexuality. Love your partner but don’t wanna fuck 'em? Get a divorce you deviant! Because apparently sex is required for a happy marriage and if you don’t have sex because you’re not interested in it, then you’re obviously a pervert or a prude who deserves to be unloved.
Are you disregarding your partner’s needs here?
Why isn’t the partner doing the same in that situation?
One would hope that you’d solve issues like that before getting married. Whether that means an open marriage, having a partner who’s also ace, finding ways to fulfill your partners needs without having sex yourself, etc.
You’re not wrong, but I think most married couples that involve someone who’s ace would have that problem solved by the time they get to marriage.
Yeah.
I think “love your partner, but don’t wanna fuck 'em” implies you’ve already failed in this regard.
I think there is another side to that though that the non-asexual partner is probably often not very happy.
Ironically this is one of those things that’s easier to deal with in a poly context - your partner isn’t your one and only so if they’re ace and you’re not, you’re allowed to get those needs met elsewhere and still have a loving romantic relationship with them.
Unless you’re both asexual, or are open to the sexual one fucking around, you probably should get a divorce though
Unless you’re both asexual, or are open to the sexual one fucking around,
Yeah, but then you get back to the person in OP’s post telling people to get a divorce regardless. My point is that you can have a happy marriage and be poly and/or ace.
Love is not the same as sex. Heinlein said it well with “the more someone loves, the more they CAN love”.
Different people can fill different needs. As long as all people involved are in agreement, then it’s nobody else’s business.
Mrs Grundy can take a hike off a cliff.
There is a real phenomenon where many people try polyamory before they accept that their original relationship should end, then go back to just being single or start a different monogamous relationship.
This “transitional” polyamory is often looked down on but I think it’s another honest attempt to deal with the pressures and problems of expected monogamy.
My friend did it. Initially it was because her SO became basically asexual and she was trying to make it work while also meeting her own needs, and she ended up leaving him for her polyamorous partner and they got married and have been together for ages and had a baby. Sometimes the way on is the way out I guess.
And this is exactly why obsessive polygamy is actually pretty toxic when you think about it. This kind of experience could also reasonably lead back to your partner, along with a renewed sense of dedication, if such a lapse of judgement was tolerated the way basically every other misstep in a marriage or serious relationship is tolerated.
I see couples forgive way worse shit than a bit of meaningless infidelity on a routine basis.
I’m not sure what you mean by obsessive polygamy.
Do you mean people who feel strongly about having multiple wives or husbands? People who have many previous marriages? People who obsessively collect spouses? 😄
Strangely, the only poly people I seem to come across are bi-guy in relationship with woman and female-to-male trans-man. I know other polycule types exist, but for that type, to paraphrases Rick Sanchez: “That just sounds like polygamy with extra (accepting) steps.”
My opinion is fuck people like this that want you to conform to their standards of what a relationship is.
If you can have a happy and healthy relationship with someone without having sex with them? That awesome and you don’t have to give a single shit what losers like the OOP think about you.
I have nothing against practical monogamy save for this. You must free the ones you love before they can freely choose you.
It’s why insisting on lifetime guarantees of sole-possession is the worst possible way to soothe your jealousy or fear of abandonment.
If you can’t let go of that fear long enough to put someone else’s happiness first, it doesn’t matter how many oaths, contracts or incentives you use to fortify your conquest. You will never know what real trust feels like.
(Pre-edit: this became much longer than intended. You struck a chord in me it seems.)
You’ve articulated this so very well. It’s a lesson that took me many years to learn and comes with the prerequisite of respecting yourself and respecting your partner to such a degree that the relationship comes second for both of you. Each person’s first priority should be themselves. Both parties need to respect that to the point of accepting that staying together is not a given and is contingent on both parties being fully satisfied with the direction your lives together is heading.
The funny thing is that I’ve never felt more confident in my relationship since learning that. I used to think that’s putting the relationship second to yourself is antithetical to commitment but actually it’s the other way around. The only way to fully commit to a relationship is to make sure that maintaining it is a concious choice rather than an expectation or given.
The way my dad illustrated this lesson in my youth (and I took the advice but only recently learned the full meaning of it) is like this: life is a journey down a road with many crossroads. Should you find a partner, you walk together. If you hit a crossroad and can’t agree on a direction then thank each other for the lovely journey together but let them follow their own path. Find that partner that is going to the same destination and you’ll have found happiness in love.
He sounds like a wise person and I like his apt illustration.
For example, is the blessing of a traveling companion measured by the miles you share? Of course not. They had and will have their own adventures apart from yours. Pretending otherwise is immature. Claiming otherwise is delusion. Demanding otherwise is selfish. Yet many do.
The fact that immaturity, delusion and selfishness are common in relationships isn’t surprising (it’s common outside them too) but the way it’s still casually accepted as default in our culture is a pity. “Me or no one” exclusivity under “till death” contracts remain non-negotiable parameters for many who are blind to everything that coercion steals from them.
Thought experiment: let’s say Alice goes with Bob to his place after their date, implying she wants sex, but later she doesn’t feel like it. Is it OK for Bob to insist based on what she implied? That is, does he have her consent? But what if Alice was more explicit, or signed a written contract? OK but what if the contract just prevented Alice from leaving? What if it specified some incentive? What about just making him her only option?
This is at least approaching legal bounds, but that wasn’t the question. The question was does Bob have Alice’s consent. We can agree on one thing at least. Bob might have Alice’s consent. Unfortunately, he made it quite hard to ever be sure.
Thank you for posting this. I’m on something of a journey myself, and needed this advice.
