I went to college with this guy 10 years ago and I considered him a friend up until this year. Something changed in him, and he constantly needs to put me down and I don’t know how to handle it.
We’re both 28, for reference.
Last year, he reported me to the college because I was doing students’ homework for them for some extra cash. He said that what I was doing was depreciating his Diploma. I guess I get it, but what kind of friend would try to get me in trouble for something as harmless as doing people’s homework? He didn’t ask me to stop first or talk to me about it first, he just flat out reported me. Some friend.
I ended up dropping out of the program because of stress. He graduated this spring. I congratulated him and genuinely was happy for him. He then sends me this really childish text, bragging about how he graduated and I didn’t. Here’s a quote from part of the conversation. No joke, this is word for word:
“Hey [my name], just letting you know that I am an engineer now and you aren’t. Also I just got hired at [his work] and am making $34 now just to start. There will be a party at [local bar] to celebrate my graduation. You should come. There will be resumes being taken, you should submit yours, because people like me always need assistants. Even though you are not an engineer by any means.”
I thought, maybe he’s being intentionally arrogant as a joke that I’m supposed to get. But that’s not the case, this kind of talk continued for months. And he means it to be hurtful.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I blocked him on everything I could think of.
A little bit of background information, I recently started my own business making custom tools. This quote was a part of what he commented on my Instagram picture of one of my tools yesterday:
“You should stop posting these online, it’s really embarrassing because your [tool name] is such a failure. I should redesign all of it for you because I’m actually an engineer at [company name] and have a lot more experience. I could actually do it right, unlike you. I just might help you if you ask me nicely.”
Like, what the hell did I do to deserve that? I don’t know why I let it even bother me because of how obviously immature he is being.
I didn’t respond. I blocked him on Instagram too, but now he’s trying to message me on LinkedIn. Blocked him there now too.
I’m still friends with his brother, so it’s impossible for me to completely block him out from my life unfortunately.
I almost want to explain to him how narcissistic he is, and how his messages are an obvious cry of mental insecurity. I know that that would just be fueling the fire though, and would solve nothing.
He deserves to be put in his place. I don’t know if that’s possible though without me becoming just as petty as he is.
How should I handle this? He’s bound to see me in the future, so there’s no avoiding his bullshit.
Thanks
this poor dude is just jealous and fearful of your natural mojo
Send his comments to his employer. He’s representing their business in this manner, they should know. Maybe post it on social and tag the company
Like, what the hell did I do to deserve that? I don’t know why I let it even bother me because of how obviously immature he is being.
Odds are that you did nothing. He’s clearly an emotional vulture, he probably does it towards everyone around him.
I don’t recommend framing it as immaturity, as it might give you the false hope that he’ll “grow up” and get better over time. Perhaps he gets better, but odds are that he won’t.
Some people might say “let it go”, or “vengeance is never good, it kills the soul and poisons it”. I’m almost 40 and I got something to say about this pacifist discourse:
Screw this masochistic shit. When you turn the other face you are not saying “I’m better than him”; you’re saying “he’s right in treating me as trash, as I am trash”. You want to ruin his life and make him regret existing.
So, here’s what I’d do:
- Document every single time that he contacts you, including the contents. Record calls, save e-mails, take screenshots.
- He’s likely doing this with other people too, contact them. Former friends and any ex-SO are a good start. Ideally they should do the same as you (document it) and you should act in unison. Do not let him notice that you’re acting together though, be as stealthy as possible.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I blocked him on everything I could think of. […] This quote was a part of what he commented on my Instagram picture of one of my tools yesterday:
That’s actually great for you. It means that he kept contacting you after showed clear desire to not be contacted further. Depending on the local laws this gives you grounds for legal action.
And since the guy is a fucking idiot flaunting the fact that he’s an engineer, you might also contact his business. Be polite towards them, but highlight the fact that one of their employees is harassing you. Even if he doesn’t get fired, it’ll put him in a poor position later on.
He deserves to be put in his place. I don’t know if that’s possible though without me becoming just as petty as he is.
The difference between “being petty” and “standing your ground” is why. You are in a position to screw him up without being petty.
You’ll also want to ruin the psychological “kick” that he gets from harassing you. Ignoring him on the surface (while documenting it) is a good approach, because he’ll feel unsatisfied but he’ll try a bit harder.
Also shield yourself psychologically. Remember - you are not the problem, he is the problem.
Vengeance is not a dish to be served cold. You warm it in the blood of your enemies.
Wtf is this comment? So you either “turn the other cheek” and just let him harrass you, or else “you have to ruin his life and make him wish he was never born”?
You are right that OP doesn’t have to “turn the other cheek” and does not have to put up with people’s shit, but just because you should not turn yourself into a masochist that does not mean you should turn yourself into a sadist…
Of course there are moral limits on what OP should do in this situation; that is a given. “Ruin his life and make him wish he was never born”, in this context*, is being used to hyperbolically convey “don’t passively accept this shit, stand your ground and fight back”.
*note how none of the actions that I suggested OP taking would be undue retribution to his former friend’s actions.
I second the person who says you need to bring this public behavior to the attention of his employer.
He reported you for misconduct and the sword of damocles swings both ways.
Indeed he should do this, after all he’s mentioning his employer.
Either that or shank him in a tasteful and thoughtful manner.
Please do not do this. If this is who the “friend” is, his employer will figure it out. OP was reported for actual fraud. Please do not be so petty as to attempt to ruin a person’s life based off an internet commenter who has heard one side and has no understanding of the involved people’s mental state or life situations. It wouldn’t work anyway.
Sure it does. I’ve done it!
Code of Conduct and ethical behavior are for everyone, not just people who follow the rules in college. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Now, professionally, I’m under an exceptional amount of scrutiny for ethical behavior and I very much should be! I work with marginalized and underrepresented people! They are easy to exploit and are very protected by the law, as well as our ethics. I’ve reported others for their unethical behavior (as well as conducted conversations about appropriate interaction with the people we support).
What that means is, my (metaphorical) nuts are at the band saw every minute of every day. I am absolutely fine with that. It needs to be that way. And if I have a reportable offense, if I ever refer to my actual employer by their name online, I hope to God someone reports me. Because I need a reality check, and I need one badly.
Goose, gander. Rules for thee, rules for me. The poster isn’t somehow allowed to be abused because they did something in the past (which they paid for!) by someone with a superiority complex. That person isn’t somehow immune to the consequences of their actions just because of something OP did in the past.
Something similar happened to me just last month with the person I called my “best friend”.
He had been having personal issues for the past year that he can’t figure out on his own, but he’s generally someone who can’t honestly take responsibility for himself and regards his opinion as the word of god, basically.
He has been putting me down often in the past, even though he said he “always looked up for me for the peace I found”. I never really cared much for those words of his because I knew they came from a place of deep hurt.
However, he has not apologized once and at some point I started asking myself why I was calling this person my (best) friend. Well, after his last lashing out I just gave up and cut contact. I was trying a lot to help and understand him, but how do you help someone who went to 4 different therapists and called them all incompetent?
You don’t. They have to figure out that they don’t live in reality themselves, and I was not going to tolerate his disrespect anymore - I have enough other friends who treat me well, and my life honestly has not changed at all. He is not an interesting person anyway, all he can talk about are games, his pain and his delusions.
So what I’m trying to say is - cut your losses. This person, for whatever reason, does not want to gove you the respect you deserve, and that is alright. There are a lot of others who will, and those are the people you should put your energy into.
“I’m still friends with his brother, so it’s impossible for me to completely block him out from my life unfortunately.”
No, it is possible. If you happen to lose his brother as a friend then that’s an unfortunate consequence.
Life’s too short to have to deal with assholes like that. Not worth your limited time on this planet. Find new friends.
Tell him to stfu and to stop talking to you. He clearly hasn’t gotten the message across. The solution to bullying is really just be aggressive back until they fuck off.
Yup! One guy tried bullying me in school, so I punched him as hard as I could in the stomach and walked away. He never tried bullying me again. Unfortunately that doesn’t work so well online. Engaging with them at all keeps them riled up since there aren’t any real world consequences. So OP either needs to bring the consequences to the real world like showing dude’s employer his online activities, or get a restraining order. Fighting him in a fist fight would be a poor choice as an adult, since OP is very likely to experience real world consequences himself.
I’m actuallyand engineer at [company name]
Bro it’s petty revenge time. [Company name] needs to see these messages and asked if this is representative of their company values.
This is my thought too.
Being the bigger person is all well and good but sometimes petty revenge hits different.
This situation sounds like what restraining orders are designed to help with. IANAL, but restraining orders generally cover all types of communication, including social media. Showing that he has continued to harass you even after blocking him is good reason.
“You should stop posting these online, it’s really embarrassing because your [tool name] is such a failure. I should redesign all of it for you because I’m actually an engineer at [company name] and have a lot more experience. I could actually do it right, unlike you. I just might help you if you ask me nicely.”
Out if curiosity, have you ever tried calling his bluff? Reply with how would he improve it by saying any constructive criticism is appreciated. Something like
Do you have any recommendations on how to improve it. Looking to make as good as I can.
Depending on how you’re feeling, you could incorporate tagging their company. Use the same language they used. Something like
I’d love any constructive criticism from an actual engineer from @company
That said, it seems like the time to reply like that has past and it’s best to ignore/block him at this point.
have you ever tried calling his bluff?
The worst thing you can do with trolls is feed them.
He was like this inside from the beginning. He didnt change just the inside got outside.
So he was always a d**k head. They can do anythyng because the law allow them. Dont let him step on you.
fuck this moron, drive on with your life, he’s a bucket of nuclear waste
Nonviolence never solved anything
-Mr. Burns
The best way to get back at someone is to have a great life. Ignore him and block him, and carry on with your great life.
He’s obviously insecure, fragile, and arrogant. Move on - you’ll never win anything by stopping to his level, and you’ll never convince him to change his ways by putting him in his place. The older you get, the more you realize quickly people just aren’t worth your time.
When you see him next, just ignore him. When he gossips about you to his brother or your friends in an attempt to get a rise out of you, laugh and ignore him.
Have a great life, and fuck that guy.
Not like you should report him to his job, but just like cheating on people’s homework, it’s bad branding and potentially illegal for a company to represent itself for hiring like this.
If HR found out he was soliciting for resumes but also telling people they weren’t good enough for roles at the company… They’d not be happy.
