I have been living as a victim of ongoing abuse for almost 20 years. (Yes, I got out of the relationship 15 years ago, and no, it didn’t stop the abuse.) It infuriates me how people try to force the term “survivor” on me.

One survives hurricanes, floods, fire, cancer. One is a victim of a crime. And what he did was a crime, not an inevitable thing that happened to me.

I don’t care if people want to call themselves survivor. I used to, too. Until I realized that it shifts the focus. It minimizes. What happened to me had a perpetrator, someone who, unlike cancer, had the capacity to choose other than what he did.

Let’s stop acting like violence against women is a force of nature, a necessary evil to endure, or anything other than a criminal act.

Yeah, I survived. I didn’t have a choice to do anything BUT survive. Let’s stop talking about it and start talking about stopping what made it necessary.

  • loobkoob@kbin.social
    0·
    8 months ago

    I don’t personally agree that being called a survivor of a crime makes it seem like the crime was inevitable, or that it somehow absolves the abuser of the crime. I think it serves to place more power in the victim’s hands and is intended to give them more control over their lives. It can be important for a lot of people’s recovery to use empowering language.

    This isn’t just limited to domestic abuse or sexual violence either; recovery from any kind of long-term trauma - physical, mental or emotional - requires the person to regain a sense of self and a feeling of control over their lives. Someone continuing to define themselves purely as a victim means being a victim will continue to define them - it makes it very difficult to heal fully, and certainly causes it to take a lot longer to heal.

    You say you didn’t have any choice but to survive, but I think you’re perhaps missing the metaphorical sense of the word. It’s not just about literally continuing to be alive (although obviously in some cases of abuse that’s an important thing to focus on, too, unfortunately), it’s about keeping your identity and sense of self, it’s about the person you were before the abuse and trauma surviving.

    Ultimately, though, I don’t think it has to be one or the other, either. You can be, and are, both a victim and a survivor. Both are important. It’s important to remember you’re a victim, that the crime had a perpetrator who chose their actions and that they should be held responsible for those actions. But it’s even more important that you heal, that you don’t let that person’s choices or actions continue to define you and control your life, and part of that - difficult though it is - requires you to reframe things and cut the perpetrator out of your mind (and obviously your life) entirely. They’ve done enough damage already, don’t let it continue to be about them all this time later. Make it about you, and how you can heal.

    Either way, I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience the abuse you have. I hope things can improve going forward.