Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
There are wifi dongles with the seller having devs compiling the Linux drivers available on Amazon. I used to use one back when I had to rent places where I was far away from the modem. I would give it away for free if I knew someone who needs it and lives near.