Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
You can easily interact with the MS ecosystem by using the office 365 webapps. I personally prefer using onlyoffice as it’s got very good compatibility with ms formats. Teams even has a functional Linux-native client. Don’t forget to install the ms corefonts though!
I seem to remember there was a way to mount your OneDrive folders to your local linux filesystem but I don’t use that service.