How do you not drip back onto it? Do you use paper too? How is it okay for me to use the same one right after Typhoid Larry? Doesn’t poo go everywhere?
It just seems so weird.
I love my bidet. Since the bidet came into my life I feel unclean after using a non-bidet toilet, even after using wet wipes. Imagine never having monkey-butt (an itchy asshole}. No more skid marks either.
Others have described the normal use of a bidet. I’m here to tell you about advanced bidet techniques. The first is learning the mini enema. You need a bidet with a water jet nozzle. Position yourself so the jet hits the bullseye. Slowly raise the water pressure until it starts filling your rectum with water. This is the hard part - relax. Your initial response will be to clinch shut the ol’ brown eye. When full, turn off the water and let loose in the bowl. Repeat as needed. This cleanses the rectum and prevents those times when you feel like there’s still some poop up inside that won’t come out (because there is). It also prevents anal leakage that produces butt butter.
Once you’ve mastered the mini enema, you can use the technique to battle constipation. Squirt some water in that stuffed up bunghole, fill up, hold it in, stand up, then sit down and enjoy the relief.
It also provides immediate relief from a burning irritated bowel caused by eating Atomic Hot Wings from Wingstop.
Finally, the feminine wash setting is not just for women! After a sweaty workout where you don’t have time for a proper shower, use it to wash your balls. That prevents itchy balls and the embarrassment of being caught scratching them.
Imagine never having monkey-butt (an itchy asshole}. No more skid marks either.
Can’t say that I’m having this when just using wipes… Maybe wipe a little better?
I mean yes you should still use a bidet but uh, you need to eat more fiber bro
Once you’ve mastered the mini enema
And you must shout the name of the technique you’re about to use, otherwise you’re far from having mastered it
I’m going to explain how an Italian bidet works, I don’t know if you’re referring to some other kind of bidet (e.g. the pressure washers).
You do your thing, then you lightly clean yourself with paper. Don’t waste too much paper, just one pass or two will suffice.
Then you get up from the toilet bowl and go on the bidet. In Italy, it’s always next to the toilet bowl so you don’t have to walk around like a maniac. The best way to sit on the toilet is to “ride it” as if it was a horse (so you face the water).
You open the water, maybe you wait for it to become warm (it depends on the kind of heating system you have in your home, sometimes it takes longer to come out warm). Then you get some soap (we use a specific kind of delicate liquid soap that we call “intimate soap” in Italian). You apply the soap to your private parts and you rinse using the water.
After you’ve finished cleaning, you dry youself using a personal towel. This is important: you don’t share your bidet towel with anybody. We usually use a smaller kind of towel.
And that’s how an Italian uses a bidet.
You left out the bow at the end.
would this be like, only in your own home? or would you be carrying the bidet towel around with you when in public?
Is this the towel suggested in the hitchhikers guide?
No of course only in your home. If you’re visiting someone else for some days they’ll give you a bidet towel. If you’re just outside well… you’ll just use your toilet paper. Some people will use the bidet anyway and dry with toilet paper, but that’s a bit annoying.
We don’t poo in public toilets.
And a nice username as well
Thanks ;)
if you got poop on your skin would you use water or a piece of paper to wash it off
Piece of paper to smear it around more like
its a spray. its like with a water fountain its no issue if people drink from the stream but not if they suck the output (which do to placement can’t be done). good ones have hot air dryers.
I like to think rule #1 is don’t drink from the bidet
I was thinking more rubbing their ass on it. anyway its recessed in modern ones at least.
They are butt showers.
You poop first in the toilet and if it was a messy one you use some paper (not all countries’ pipes can handle paper though). Then you go to the bidet and clean there. Let the jet hit your hole and wiggle a bit if need be. Use some paper to dry off. Woman will also wash their privates with the bidet after peeing.
In India and China you also got a hose or just a hose in many places. That requires a bit more finesse due to the risk of giving yourself a shower if you don’t aim well. You might even just get a cup which you fill and use to wash yourself manually. You need to carry some liquid soap and sanitizer when traveling in areas that might require this and keep your fingernails cut short. In remote areas it is a hole next to the animal pen and you bring your own paper.
I got a bidet attachment for my home during the pandemic due to the severe toilet paper hoarding that was going on.
I have a Toto that has a remote to let me control the flow, and it has a blow dryer for my bum. It’s self-cleaning and also has a heated seat. When society collapses it will be the the object I miss most. Haven’t used a poop knife in years.
How does a bidet prevent the need for the poop knife?
It doesn’t. I didn’t think anyone would get the reference.
You all need fibre in your life
Well you see some bidets have a “TURBO” mode which shoots a bunch of water up your ass and softens your turds.
No seriously. I’m not even joking about this one.
Enema mode
Dude just get a bidet thing that you can install under your toilet seat. Just get one, don’t question it! Best 30 € I’ve ever spent!
The thing is that with this you don’t have to clean your ass anymore, it just does it by itself! You don’t have to do anything anymore 💁♂️ and it’s really not strange to use it. One may think it would feel strange but you’ll see. Just get one! Everyone should have one 💁♂️😂
I don’t need to defend power washing my butt to you. You need to defend mashing shit around your buttskin through microscopically thin and flimsy sheets of paper to me.
The one attached to my toilet has this setup to keep it from getting dirty: there’s a plastic barrier in front of the nozzle, which has a mechanism that causes it to pop out from underneath the barrier when water is flowing through it, and retract back behind the barrier when the water is shut off.
You can get a simple one that goes on your toilet. Turn dial, water hits, you pat dry and feel a million times cleaner. Most people that try them once get it. Just ask yourself if you would use water if you knew poop was smeared on any other part of your body
Idk… I’ve tried them twice; once while traveling abroad and once in a friend’s bathroom, but I don’t care for the sensation much. It’s always shocking to me to get sprayed right in the bhole with quickly-moving water. I keep trying them as I come across them, but they haven’t sold me yet.
Is the irresistible and sublime pleasure of touching your own feces and removing them with your finger from your anus
i bidet every day and never touched my poop or anus
Most of the ones I’ve seen are attachments on toilets. So you do drip, but it’s into the toilet. I haven’t had any issues with stray poo even with no pre wiping. It all drops into the toilet also. It’s a jet of water from far away, so you’re not really in contact with it to infect it.
It’s a shower, but just for your ass
I mean, you share a toilet bowl with Typhoid Larry already. The bidet isn’t going to be worse than that!
And honestly, they’re the best thing ever! Sometimes it drips, but that’s just like getting out of the shower, except with much less water. You can wipe off the drops with toilet paper, or you can just not bother. I’ll do that if I’m going straight to bed for example, or if I’m putting on running gear etc that I’m going to sweat into anyway
I reeeeeally recommend drying off after. Anyone who is prone to UTIs like I am, please dry off each time…