Nobody tells me what I’m going to do or where I will be going and when that happens
I am open to invitations or requests or suggestions where my involvement is desired or ostensibly necesary for somone else. But I will never respond to this as a statement of fact or in the form of a threat
If you are a giving person, you have to put a limit on how much you can give. Takers have no limit.
I have to remember to look out for myself because even though I’m trying to look out for a lot of people I care about, no one is looking out for me.
In my experience it’s not so much about putting a limit as it is about avoiding takers and finding other givers. But one has to be careful not to be used. :)
I find it’s important to allow yourself to be vulnerable to a moderate degree, to give people the chance to expose themselves as a giver or taker.
Letting a taker take even once just teaches them they can take and move on to the next victim. People need to prove themselves as trustworthy before giving them anything. Offer them something relatively small like buying lunch. If they don’t hesitate to take it then they’re takers. Someone who won’t refuse at least twice has no qualms about taking for nothing. But I just don’t associate with people enough to allow them the chance to even try.
Family is the relationship, relatives are who you’re related to.
You can pick your family but you can’t pick your relatives.
You don’t have to associate with your relatives if you don’t want to. Family is a group of people who you’ll want to associate with.
I grew up being told constantly, “I’m family, you have to love me,” which definitely wasn’t good for my mental health until I realized the above statements. My relatives are typically terrible people, and the last time I saw most of them they openly wished for my death at Thanksgiving (because a different relative outed me as bi to the whole gathering) and I haven’t gone back to their gatherings since.
They’ll often (years after the event above) send me invitations weeks in advance to the gatherings and then either the day before or morning of send me a message saying, “Sorry, we didn’t mean to invite you. You aren’t welcome here.”
So I guess in a way the statement, “You have to love family,” is somewhat true but in the, “a prerequisite for someone being family is love,” not a being forced to love someone you’re related to.
And the barrier that you mentioned OP, is definitely a good one and one I didn’t even realize I whole heartedly was using for a long time.
Gaslighting is deadly and I vigorously/instantly shut it down whenever I perceive or sense it. It is emotional rape, pure and simple, and the REDDEST of flags 🚩🥀
Its been interesting engaging with people I know now that everyone is aware we don’t mix factual and feelings-based conversations.
Much nicer when we know what’s debatable or negotiable and what is off-limits.
- do not touch me;
- I either do something I want to do or I don’t;
Its kinda funny, my first one is super personal and what I arrived at but this thread kinda resembles or the responses remind me of an interview with Alannis Morisette where she has like 4 rules.
That sounds like a good rule to have.
I don’t really have any hard, clearly-defined boundaries myself, but recently I’ve learned to prioritise my internal decision-making process when I’m under external pressures.
I used to go along with what everyone else suggested, because I didn’t want the stress of having to argue or fight back against an idea I didn’t agree with. I had been conditioned to avoid conflict because it was usually too much of a hassle to resolve when it could’ve easily been a calm, balanced conversation instead. So I’d just throw my hands up and say “Ah, whatever you think is best.” And then be surprised or resentful when the ugly results inevitably showed themselves.
Now, I try to cross-check what someone else says is a good idea against my own judgements, rather than skipping that step entirely. It’s like keeping a background application from crashing by giving it a higher priority over resource use so it won’t get crushed by everything else.
This all sounds very vague, and that’s because it is, but it’s just the attitude I’ve been trying to maintain so that my inner voice doesn’t get drowned out for being too quiet.
Sure, I’ll bite.
Do not attempt to tell me “what I’m thinking”
I’m not going to pretend that my way of thinking is “unique” because I can’t speak for how others think, but I expect that same courtesy to apply to me as well. For example, whenever someone says “You seem to think…” it upsets me quite a bit. What I say out loud (or “write” I suppose) doesn’t include the context of how I got to that point.
I very much am happy for people to tell me when I’m wrong on something, because if I’m wrong I would like to know (more-so if they can actually prove it… just saying “You’re wrong” and not saying how leads to nothing, but that is a whole other rant). However, one thing that that no one can assert to know more than I do is how I think, what I’m thinking, or the methods that I used to arrive to something I’ve said/done. You can possibly predict it depending on how long you’ve known me for, but to try to claim you know exactly what, is very egregious in my eyes.
I have a pretty high tolerance before my temper is set off (or as I like to say “A very long fuse, but an even higher yield when that fuse runs out”), but there is a small list of exceptions to that - one being hypocrisy, and the other being this.
I got something similar-ish… low tolerance towards assumptions about things that one cannot reliably know. It includes assuming what I’m thinking, but also more objective matters.
With youtube, it’s “Don’t force TF2 and other nazi shit into my feed” Needless to say they push that boundary alot.
Team Fortress 2 is nazi shit?
Do not touch me
Looking back I might not have been subject to too much affection growing up so I have heavy boundaries when it comes to non family and non partners. I realize men are a lot more open and touchy feely in my neck of the woods but I don’t want any part of it. Bro culture is not for me.
My most enforced boundary is likely “if I clearly told you «no», do not insist”. Insisting further won’t just piss me off, but also decrease the likelihood that you’ll get what you’re asking for.
