Dating is odd to me. I do not really know what my motivations are. If I actually find someone. What then? What will we do? How different will our relationship be from a regular friendship (besides you know what). And should it be?
Should you be wanting to do other things with your SO then a very good friend?
What I’m getting at is, have you ever thought to someone: “They don’t really want a relationship they just want a one particular friend with benefits.”
I don’t know if I’m rambling over here. But I’m really having difficulty digesting this one.
A good friend (platonic relationship) is someone I can see every day, talk to about anything, and I want them in my life regularly. I personally cannot spend 100% all my time with someone who is just a good friend.
A romantic relationship is a good friend who I can live with and want to share a blanket and cuddle with at the end of the day. It’s someone I might want to hold hands with, kiss, or sleep with. It’s someone I want to come home to at the end of a good day to share good news, or end of a bad day to make it better.
A sexual relationship is someone I want to kiss and have sex with.
There are overlap. Romantic friends and friends with benefits are pretty common terms. Having a romantic relationship with sexual interest often ends up in bad relationships; I’ve heard this described as “feels like it should work” or “I loved them but I didn’t like them.”
Do you want a relationship, even if it means you’re only friends? Does sex have to be involved to make it a relationship?
I feel the same way. I still don’t really get the difference. To me it just seems like a really close friendship where you officially agree to spend tons of time together.
Obviously relationships are messy and complicated and varied, but generally the big difference is a commitment to a future together. For example, committed partners might pool finances, or have a kid together - the sort of things that you plan on working together on the rest of your life.
Can’t answer the title question from personal experience unfortunately, but I can say, only you can figure out what your end goal is. Relationships are different with every person. So if you find someone you enjoy their company, you don’t need to know beforehand what you want to do with them. It’s okay to figure it out as you go.
I’m not sure I have much to add here other then a little experience. I’ve had a date tell me “there’s nothing there” and realized later that they wanted more than a friend. I am fairly old and have realized that I may not have much to give, romantically. That’s fine! But you have to find someone who wants that, also. Myself, I am not really a dater. But if you can see that some people want something more than a friend, more than a friend and sex, you may find where you fit in. I am still working on that. Not easy, but I am also pretty happy on my own. It is good, and healthy, to work on you, and this post is part of that I think. Be well!
You can bone them regularly without making things awkward
Clearly you’re only friends with boring people
Well basically love is a form of psychosis where someone becomes the most important thing to you and your whole reality bends around that. You feel a deep abiding satisfaction and comfort just being in their presence or hearing their voice. Your personal identity becomes secondary to your shared identity as a couple and your connection to them is a core part of your emotional state and thought process. Anything that contradicts being with or caring for them is basically impossible to even think. This can be really wonderful or really horrible depending on the circumstances.
This sounds more like infatuation than love, TBH.
The way I see it infatuation is just the surface feeling, love is when it becomes a more permanent core motivation and foundation of what you do and think. What do you think the difference is?
Some of the things you mentioned in your first comment really point to infatuation to me, like your perseonal identity becoming secondary to a shared identity, and “Anything that contradicts being with or caring for them is basically impossible to even think.” These sound like elements of an unhealthy relationship.
I don’t try to fuck my friends hah. I can sit for hours with my SO and not utter a word and just do my shit. I don’t have to be on and allowed to be irritable.
I feel like a good SO is just a best friend with benefits. Someone you can do all the same stuff as a bestie with, and feel the same way around, but you also are sexually attracted and fuck.
To me, the key difference is just how much you can be yourself around that person, without any feeling of self consciousness or shame. Even with very good friends, there are still things about yourself (physical or otherwise) that you don’t let them see.
Also, my wife IS my best friend.
allow me to sum up interpersonal relationships between all 8 billion people in one sentence:
you can’tbut, in a nutshell… physical attraction is usually important, so is romance… usually a commitment to this person in terms of time and future plans where they become more like family (and maybe eventually actually family if you have kids)
there’s such a crazy spectrum of the ways in which people could get along and consider themselves “in a relationship”.
every rule or tendency is constantly broken, it escapes definition.
in general, it begins with attraction and flirting, or it’s cemented as a friendship…
and, poetically, i’d say it’s a relationship when they start to see themselves as an entity, and of course others will see them like that too… a sort of hive-mind develops…
sorta like when celebrity couples get a combo nickname…I’m wondering if you might find these a helpful starting point:
It’s very exclusive and more intimate physically and emotionally than a good friend. That’s my interpretation anyway.
besides you know what). And should it be?
We’re adults here. You can say the word sex on the internet, and yes.
To me, it seems like you may not be the type of person that feels like they need intimacy. If you want it, however, then that should be ok too. That is a major difference (for many) in people who are in relationships, and people who are just good friends. It’s not the sole defining characteristic, no, but a big one none-the-less.
…they just want a one particular friend with benefits
Why can’t it be both though? I think there’s nothing wrong with that, in my mind. I suppose a big consideration would be if you live together or not, or want to/plan to.
Another thing to consider is that SO relationships are typically seen as more static/permanent while good friends are considered more dynamic/fleeting.
In my experience, relationships (all relationships) are more dynamic than static. Realities of our mortality.
We’re adults here.
You sure about that?
Well, maybe not.
#¯_(ツ)_/¯
An SO will align their goals with you. A best friend may find another goal in life and go off on their own. A friend isn’t tied to you, and you’d support them if they ‘leave’ you to seek their own fortune. A partner stays with you and you and they need to find ways to reach your goals together. There’s a stability and security to a partner that you don’t get, no matter how close your friend is.
