There’s this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, you’re a transphobe. That could be true for some people but it’s not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the “if you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudice” is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Let’s get that out of the way. This isn’t a foot in the door for “trans this really isn’t that” narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, there’s plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I don’t think it’s racist if a woman says she doesn’t want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isn’t more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who don’t want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldn’t. That’s not fair to you and you’re denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? They’re going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: “If you loved me for real this wouldn’t bother you”… that’s not going to convince anyone. They’re either going to leave, or they’ll resent you forever. That’s just how it is. You can be mad at that but that’s about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. There’s just no way to win once you’ve gone down that road.
“I want a CIS mate” is not the same as “trans women are not women” - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldn’t be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate people’s right to choose who they want to get intimate with, it’s not going to end well for you. All you’re going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they don’t want to. And that’s not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people don’t imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
Locked as transphobia seems to be pretty common in the comments.
Why do you shout cis every time you say it? I agree that I don’t have any interest in dating someone who doesn’t want to date me but I’m very confused about the yelling.
Some folks are merely in the habit of capitalizing acronyms. It isn’t necessarily yelling.
It’s not, that’s why I was confused. At least, when you talk about cis people or cisalpine Gaul it isn’t. When you talk about the CIS from Star Wars, then it is :p
Yeah, I edited my comment shortly after that. I was wrong.
That is a holdover from when I thought cis was an acornym. Sorry!
on the flip side, people should be able to say they want a trans partner.
real talk though, no one should be deceiving anyone if they plan to start a healthy relationship with someone, period.
I’m stealth trans in public and don’t feel it’s necessary to come out to every one i meet or even work with. But if I’m flirting with someone or know someone has an interest in me, I respect them enough to let them know.
it all comes back to the idea that you don’t need to know what someone’s genitals look like unless you plan on fucking them.
on the flip side, people should be able to say they want a trans partner.
Yes, absolutely, I mentioned that part already. Freedom goes both ways. No one should be shamed for choosing to date a trans partner.
Chasers suck for trans people big time. This is a logical fallacy. It’s different if a trans person says they’re only doing T4T to a cis person.
Can you elaborate on this? Is it the usual fetishism (similar to what Asian women often experience) or is it different?
what Asian women often experience
You got me laughing and thinking at once.
Just married my Filipina. First Asian I ever dated. Didn’t seek Asian women, had zero expectations.
I know a lot of guys want a tiny, submissive, tradwife (fuck me I loathe that word). “Ew, gross! Not me, not EVER!”, I thought. Well… here we are.
She had me watching Filipina videos last month, to help me understand what Filipina women want, help me understand her culture. “Old white guys?! Hell fucking yes all day long!”, is what I got out of it.
“So what I gather is that I can go to the Philippines and trade you in on a hot 19-yo that will worship the ground I walk on?” 🤣
She’s said, straight up, that she always wanted a white American. She was also so she was afraid I was fetishizing her as an “exotic” Asian. Go figure. 🤷🏻♂️
It’s been a very strange, and lovely, experience. I’m trying to help her be more independent, show her that we’re equals, financially and emotionally. Sometimes it’s a challenge.
Yes, I can feed myself and wash my own clothes, back off a bit. But she feels like it’s her role to provide, and I’m taking from her by not taking from her. Fuck me, I’ve dated Mississippi girls that could strap on a ball gown, get their makeup game on, change their oil and shoot like Annie Oakly. This is all new to me.
Sorry. I don’t have anyone else to talk about this with and your comment got me thinking. And laughing at how strange life sometimes turns out.
I think your gut feeling is correct, you were in fact being fetishized by the videos that she showed you. I have known Asian women who get red in the face at the whole “I love white guys” thing. I know white men who cringe at other white men and their obsession with Asian women. Fetishization is coming from both sides.
Glad that you feel able to open up here. I hope you and anyone else who stays open and tolerant to new ideas will have a safe space here.
Is it always cringe/disrespectful when someone has something about them that I love more than other people love and I tell them that?
I think I that’s a concept that cis straight people don’t get. You don’t come out once. You have a big coming out, once, to friends and family. Then every new person you meet, you decide whether to tell them outright, whether to subtly tell them, or whether you don’t tell them. Each time, you’re considering if you’ll meet them again, if it serves a purposes of it feels like hiding, your safety, whether it will affect their opinion of you and so be to your disadvantage etc. It’s tiring.
Is it not more tiring to come out to someone you’re more emotionally invested in, though?
There’s obviously the safety issues that the OP mentioned, but wouldn’t it be easier to not have to deal with an eventual reveal?
Why invest the time and energy into someone who has that much higher a chance that they’ll deny you when you come out?
Yes, but then you would have to come out to everyone first time.
Hi, here’s your coffee. Thanks, I’m trans.
Hi X, meet my friend Y. Hi Y, I’m gay, my name is X, nice to meet you. Umm, I’m not sure I needed to know that.
What about a work colleague that you can’t avoid but they are new and you don’t know how they will react.
That’s the point. The big coming out is for people you are emotionally invested in at that point in time. Then you have to make snap decisions and considered decisions for every new person forever.
I have a pretty small sample size, but it feels like the next generation doesn’t feel that way. My 13-year-old daughter is queer and so are some of her friends and it doesn’t occur to them most of the time that her peers might judge them for it. We did have to take my daughter out of school for severe bullying- because they were calling her a furry (she committed the sin of wearing spiked collars) and spreading rumors that she was racist. She got nothing for being queer.
She’s doing an English project right now and she had to pick an event from history and talk about how it impacted today and I suggested Stonewall. She was pretty baffled about the whole thing. She understood conceptually that being queer was so hated and so dangerous in the 1960s, but she really had no idea.
I told her yesterday about how, even when I was in middle school in 1989-1991, there were no kids out of the closet. When I got to high school, there were a handful of very brave kids who were out and they got beaten up a lot. There was one trans girl and that was because she could pass and didn’t let most people know. Same-gendered couples were not allowed at prom. Even kids (and teachers who could get fired for it) who were undeniably queer hid it from everyone. Two people in my friend circle who were so gay they were on fire didn’t admit it until college. Both times, it was a “well, duh” moment when they came out, but that’s how scared they were to come out.
And, of course, if they did come out, they couldn’t get married if they found someone they loved.
She doesn’t know how bad it all was even when I was a kid and I’m so glad of that. I just hope Trump doesn’t turn it all around.
Downvote me to hell but not wanting a trans partner is usually transphobia. Of course you can have preferences, nobody has to date me. I also don’t date black people not because I hate them but I don’t find them attractive. I’m into blonde people.
I’m trans. I think the reason people get upset is because of the reason behind the preference. That reason can be totally valid, to totally shitty, and people assume either the best or the worst depending on their perspective usually. A trans person seeing this might assume “oh boy another transphobe” while a cis person would think “yep and I won’t date a person who owns cats because I’m deadly allergic” and carry on.
On top of that a blanket “I won’t date trans people” rule tends to ignore “outliers” like nonbinary, intersex, or gender fluid people, which can feel pretty bad when the underlying reason doesn’t fit the actual real life scenario you might be in.
Here’s a few reasons behind the preference that I can think of:
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I’m straight and want bio kids - Fair enough, either your partner is cis or they aren’t compatible for that goal, or you’re getting into the nonbinary grey area.
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I don’t want to deal with the extra baggage, potential judgement from peers, or mental/physical health comorbidities that come with transition - kinda bleh but its your choice and only you can really decide what you’re willing to invite on yourself, but it feels crappy for trans people who definitely didn’t ask to be trans either.
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I’m attracted to specific genital configurations - that’s your preference, but it sort of ignores any post op trans people, which feels really shitty if as a trans person you’ve done this major surgery to be happier and more yourself, and people just assume you haven’t, and won’t talk to or engage with you over something you already changed, through a very intensive and difficult process. Overall though genital preferences are perfectly fine, people just don’t like saying “I only like penis” because it sounds weird, so they substitute “I only like cis men” thinking that’s a less awkward alternative.
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I don’t think trans people are who they identify as - real shit and the kind of people most are actually mad at when people day "I won’t date trans people.
Anyways, I’m sure there are more, but the point I’m trying to make is, saying you won’t date trans people is just kinda vague. Many people will assume the worst, which is on them, but it would help to clarify and be clear about what your real preference is, or why you have it. For instance “I want to have bio kids someday, so if we aren’t compatible on that level then that is a dealbreaker” or “I’m straight and I’m only interested in Cis or post op trans women” which with a couple extra words clearly portrays that its a genital preference without explicitly saying it.
TLDR: having preferences is perfectly fine but when people judge you it’s because it isn’t clear why you have that preference, and usually ignores outliers. Clarification, while maybe a bit longer or more complicated, would eliminate the anger in most cases. The people who still get upset are likely to be angry no matter what.
Bullet 3: a post op vagina isn’t a vagina. It could be great, very satisfying, convincing, whatever,… but it potentially isn’t the exact biological “thing” you are seeking.
I’m not discrediting people who have taken a step to align themselves, or judging, but a surgery result simply isn’t a birth result.
Is this logically consistent? I’m not trying to cut down, but it could be possible that “the right shape” isn’t enough to qualify someone’s “attracted to specific genital configuration”
What you’re saying is basically a “No True Scotsman” fallacy. As a counterpoint: There are cis-women who may have had surgery on their vagina due to birth defects, injuries, or many other medical and non-medical reasons. Does that make theirs no longer a vagina in your eyes because it was surgically altered and thus not a “natural” one?
I understand though that maybe the aesthetics of a woman’s vagina could be very important to your sexual attraction and that is perfectly valid. There are a wide variety of vaginas though, so if you want to get intimate with a woman (and they are equally interested) then you should ask for a picture of their vagina and go from there. No need to make it about what they were born with. 🤷
Unless you’re expecting kids, if you can’t tell the difference, why does it matter?
What if you’re seeking a bio vagina? Like, I’m not disparaging anyone.
Ultimately, is there any appropriate way to seek a bio cis woman without being bigoted?
The main problem with this is: Nobody should have to justify or explain anything.
The oddest thing about this whole post is that people who may or may not have been in a group that was attacked or judged over who they are are… attacking and judging people over who they are. It makes no sense to me.
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I’d like to congratulate OP for handling a difficult subject in a way that’s both straightforward and thoughtful!
I am the dad of a transgender person and I agree. Sexual and romantic attraction should never be held to the same standard. The heart (and the genitals) wants what it wants
Am I weird in that I think it’s weird to announce that kind of thing on a dating profile? Like, I’m on all the dating apps and people generally don’t get access to me until there’s a mutual agreement to match, right? Unless you’re swiping on everyone or they’re actively trying to hide it, are you matching with a lot of trans folk? Are you so inundated by these matches that you feel the need to announce these preferences up front? I can’t imagine it’s so many that you can’t just have a polite conversation when it comes up and explain the preference? It’s the whole need to announce it, knowing how it could come off, that makes people question the intent. If you were at the bar and someone you’re attracted to comes up to talk, do you stop them and say “before you go any further, know that I only date cis people.”?
Many of your points here are spot on. There’s not a lot of trans people as a percentage of the populace. Maybe like 2-3% tops, so you’re right, you’re not going to run into hordes of trans people while swiping. And many of those do NOT want to hide who they are short term and are loathe to just up and hide it from a date long term. Let’s make it clear there’s no movement to trick people into dating trans people, to *further *derail any right wingers reading this to get their rageohol fix.
You are also right about the etiquette of it all. Tact and timing are important. “Before you go any further I only date cis people” is idiocy. But the fact is a lot of people do not want to date trans people and that’s their right. We have to come to a happy medium where we respect that but (to address your legit and underlying concern) don’t also let this “trans people are everywhere looking to trick us into dating them OMFG RUNNNNN!!” hysteria genie out of the bottle. I am definitely NOT here to foment that.
The problem with this rant is that it is inherently transphobic. I am in agreement that all preferences should be available though. If you only like blind midget pirates that should be a fucking option goddaamnit.
See your main problem is that you were dumb enough to try going on a dating app to begin with
It’s pretty well established by now that those things are basically useless save for a lucky few
As someone who doesn’t care about race gender or what genitals you have or had if i were dating, I agree.
Uhm, those platforms don’t filter by your sexual preference?
Uhm, yes they do. It’s one of the preferences you set for your profile.
So why do they have to ask for a CIS partner?
A trans woman will specify she is female on a given platform. She is likely to have different genitals than a person would expect, that person having only been with cis women. Hope that clears it up.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women.
Sweet, then you have no problem and are open to dating anyone in your preferred gender.
No, I am not open to date the vast majority of folks in my preferred gender. Age, language, whether they’re a good person, shared hobbies, shared culture are all factors. Why isn’t cisness a legitimate factor?
It is. You just can’t virtue signal about how everyone is equal while expressing such a preference.
Wtf is a cis?
Shorthand for cisgender. It’s an ancient word that’s come back into common use in the last decade.
Trans is a Latin root for “on the opposite side of”, so transgender means “opposite of [birth] gender”.
Cis is the antonym root that means “on the same side as”, so cisgender means “the same as [birth] gender”.
Shorthand for cisgender. It’s an ancient word that’s come back into common use in the last decade.
Trans is a Latin root for “on the opposite side of”, so transgender means “opposite of [birth] gender”.
Cis is the antonym root that means “on the same side as”, so cisgender means “the same as [birth] gender”.
Then I’m gay
No, just stupid.
Do you live under a rock?
They’re one of today’s lucky ten thousand !
Do you live in a world lacking empathy? I suppose you were born knowing all words and never learned any. If this person is young or has English as a second language they might not have heard it. Hell if they are old they also might not have heard of it.
Literally no one is actually being victimized by any of this.
Go meet women in real life, dorks. A trans woman online is hardly at risk of dating your weird lonely asses.
