Posting this here because I’m unsure of where else to post something like this.
Over two years ago at this point I mutually ended a nearly year long relationship with someone I was still in love with. We were graduating high school and while still going to colleges in the same city, realized we were in over our heads and were in an unhealthy situation so we split it off. It destroyed me. It took me a year to get my shit together (I went on a minor drug-binge for about 3 months after and spent probably $6k from eating out and making sure I always had enough bud) but I eventually met my current partner. Things aren’t perfect in our relationship but I genuinely love her and we work to further strengthen our relationship. I don’t know that I see the rest of my life with her, but we’ve been together over a year now and I don’t have any intention of ending things anytime soon. We also live together so making it work is more of a necessity lol.
But I can’t get my ex out of my head. I’ve spent nearly every day for the last two years trying to let go of her but I don’t know why she keeps popping into my thoughts. I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life. And ahe isn’t, but I’m still dealing with this. I do have a therapist who I’ve talked at length with about this but I don’t know, something about her just is stuck in my head. Maybe I preferred sex with her? I doubt it but she did kinda define what I consider my “type”, so maybe it’s just she’s more unromantically attractive to me? But it feels so much deeper than that. If it were those shallows reasons I feel like it would’ve been easier to debug and diagnose. She was my best friend. One day she was in my life, the next day not. It feels like a very specifically sized puzzle piece is missing and now there’s a small hole in the puzzle.
I don’t know, it’s kinda maddening. I don’t have most social media, so it’s easier to avoid her online and not think about her. But occasionally I find myself borderline stalking her, except it’s just me gathering random information I already know from OSINT tools with no intention or idea on how to utilize it (I’m well aware of how to use OSINT data, I mean in this specific situation). Part of it just feels like someone really important to me was rapidly removed from my life and I yearn to reconnect with them, but I guess I fear what such an endeavor might reawaken in me. I don’t love her, at least I don’t think I do. If I do it would be monumentally fucked up and I would feel like I’m emotionally cheating on my partner, who is somewhat aware of this issue but thinks I have it figured out (I thought I did too; I’m not knowingly lying to my partner). I don’t know, I sent them a proper goodbye email a few months ago and thought that was that but it’s clearly not. And I’ve put so much time and effort into trying to wrap it up for myself but now it feels like I’m just lost and stuck. Part of me just wants to reach out and ask if we can get a cup of coffee, but the other part of me recognizes the red flags in that immediately.
I just want to be done with this. I want my brain to get it through itself thar it’s over. It’s been over. There’s no changing the past, and if I could, I don’t think I would’ve reached the point where I am in life with my current opportunities if we had stayed together. Part of why we broke up was because as I was learning how to sell pot (which I was never very good at), I became a massive stoner (which I am very good at). She wasn’t anti-weed but didn’t appreciate it. When eventually saw that us growing apart was hurting each other and decided to leave things behind. Being young and dumb, I didn’t handle the breakup well. I didn’t do anything bad or harmful to her or anyone else, but it was obvious to both of us that I wasn’t okay afterwards. When I feel like I needed her the most, she was gone from my life. In doing so she broke our promise of prioritizing our friendship over the relationship. I don’t really know. I understand a lot of the reasons why I’m hurt and some are justified some are not. I understand the role I played and the responsibility I had in hoe things ended. I was not a great partner in a lot of instances, and neither was she. But part of me wonders if we had met now what it would be like. But I wouldn’t have been who I am now without her and without being without her. I’m just so fucking unsure man.
I’m sorry if this is really rambly. I expect that the majority of answers will probably be to just get over it already, which I’m trying to do. I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing to ask to see her again, because that feels like an eventual mistake rather than closure. Idk, tell me I’m an idiot or an asshole to my current partner or something. I just want to be done with dealing with the legacy of a long-dead relationship.
TL;DR: Mutually ended a significant relationship when I wasn’t ready. Been kinda fucked since. Want to not be fucked so I can be a better partner. I suck for this.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has commented thus far. A lot of the discussion has been really helpful and I’ve got some new leads on how to debug this issue. I’m trying to respond to everyone and I can’t express how appreciative I am.
Some really good advice here and people really tried, wow, just really surprised that not all people on Lemmy are tech geeks… cuz, I have to say that I do have a hard time interpreting situations and emotions and knowing that I can write about my problems and have a bunch of people really get into the issue and give really good advice, that really really means a lot 😊.
I wasn’t sure I’d get good advice as on Reddit I had gotten really mid results, but the lemmings have really stepped up. Hopefully I’ve provided as deep of responses as people have commented. I really appreciate everyone’s insight.
18-19 are one of the most vulnerable years for a person, and I feel like relationships at that age make an incredibly lasting impression, and the feelings themselves are so unique and strong in a different way. It took me years to get over my boyfriend I was with at that time and even now he holds a very dear and special place in my heart.
Love is a strange thing and I am still not sure about how it works in the time dimension, but I have noticed that if I loved, those feelings were mine and will always stay with me, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Also, present guilt can be more powerful than past love. I have the impression that that is what is in tormenting you. Stop being so hard on yourself for having human feelings, you deserve acceptance from yourself.
I’ve been in your shoes. I nearly married my ex that cheated on me. You know what happened? Like you I tried to move on and ended up meeting my wife while my ex was trying to reconcile. She admitted that she screwed up and that we should start over. I ended up snubbing her in favor of giving my now-wife a shot. Almost 16 years later and it was the best decision I ever made relationship-wise. My mistake was thinking my ex was the only one for me.
It’s okay to not have the answers. It’s okay to take time to figure this out for you. But you need to understand that if your ex hurt you when you really needed them, that’s not the person that is going to be by your side at all times - they failed that check already. Life is short and fleeting - don’t waste your good years hoping something will manifest itself through all of the past drama. You’re fantastic and someone is DEFINITELY out there that will appreciate you for exactly who you are.
There’s lots of fish in the sea, and potentially there might be several people out there that might be the one - give this one a chance!
Finding closure of some kind I think. Keeping in mind why you broke up, why it didn’t work out, why there wasn’t a future in the relationship, etc.
The relationship before my current partner of over ten years was really intense, I thought she was really the one, she was what I had imagined my ideal type was for practically my whole adolescence. But a spot of long distance and her parents disapproval had us in a bit of on again off again, where during one drunk call to me, she admitted to kissing other guys (at the very least), and that was enough for me to just go, “oh, I think our expectations are too different”, and I was able to put a hard end to that. Yeah, I occasionally think of her, but more in the curious way you wonder about an old acquaintance.
I had a friend with a sort of similar situation to yours, he and his girlfriend mutually broke up when we were all graduating high school because her friends convinced her that long distance wouldn’t work out. It really messed both of them up, especially since they kind of stayed in contact. A lot of weird stories there, but not really mine to tell. But he talked a few times about all the “what-ifs” and it feels like that’s the hardest part in letting go of a relationship.
On the other hand, if you can convince yourself that the answer to “what if?” is basically “nothing good”, I think that can help. Though, easier said than done, it’s kinda like brainwashing yourself by focusing on all the negatives about them. Easy for me because of the cheating, but not so easy for my friend.
I think it really is the what ifs. She was the person I decided I would settle down and tamper my ambitions for. And then we broke up and it swept the rug out from under me. I’ve since decided to never make that decision again (my future plans will require me to maintain a very active and busy lifestyle) and not tamper my ambition for anyone, but that’s at the expense of properly “settling down” into a singular, stable place. But the what ifs on if things had gone differently or if I ever do see her again (very possible, we live in the same city and my parents don’t live too far from where she used to dorm). I am content with what I have now but I am skeptical of myself and worry that should I actually see her again, I may realize i feel differently. Rationally i know that what’s more likely is that two old friends will reconnect, and I’ll fully see that our parting was for the best, but I can’t help but wonder. Idk, this is gonna take a long time to fully debug and it’s so multifaceted that it always feels like you’re starting over. But mistakes do not define us or reset all our progress, they just remind us that we are fallible and thus human. They are to be learned from and grown from. Thank you for your insight, I truly appreciate it more than you know.
just kill a series of people that remind you of your ex… after about 10 the original breakup won’t matter anymore…
I always write when I feel bad enough.
I wrote down about my bad feelings. I wrote a letter I pretended to send them - it helped a lot.
I created a tool I used to see where on my way on healing I was. I used a clicker to measure amounts of thought I had about them and made a chart out of it (It was awesome to see how the thoughts dwindle to nothing with time)!You can also talk about it with friends, family and strangers.
I do journal and I try to talk about it when it seems appropriate. I do like your idea of the clicker though!
Yay! Discussing hardship as well as sharing the good stuff with folks can help if you have someone that fits around!
I am with a wonderful and amazing partner which is why I feel so bad dealing with this particular issue. I really appreciate the support.
I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want her in my life.
are you sure about that? there must be something about her that pervades your mind and compells you to (want to) invite her for coffee, not to mention the stalking. i know this comes off as inflammatory, but i think it’s important to consider the possibility that you are in denial; after all, you absolutely have a vested interest in those 3 statements being true
My ex wife was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive.
I still think about her when I hear love songs.
Human minds and attachments are weird. Sometimes we just don’t mind being lonely as long as we aren’t alone.
I could not explain to you how many times I stood in the front yard, staring at my car, thinking about how I could just walk out the gate and leave.
People are complicated little fuckers
I have considered that possibility and I remain skeptical of myself so I don’t rule them out. But the evidence seems to be pointing to other things rather than that.
sounds good. i just wanted to suggest it in an emotionally provocative way; i’ve been burned before by my base assumptions being wrong
And that’s so fair. I’m a bit worried that my knowledge is indeed flawed and that I’ll realize I love her or something if I were to see her again. But typing that out just sounds so silly; how can you love someone you don’t even know anymore?
inversely, you aren’t the same person as the one that fell in love with her. you are both different people now and you even have a relationship now that will shape you even further :]. part of it is accepting like the other commenter pointed out: human minds are weird
Over time it doesn’t get any easier, the pain just gets further away.
Unless you fall madly in love with the person you were meant to be with.
I agree, but I would clarify I am coming from a place of the right person “right now” versus forever as that is just not how love goes for most.
There is no one person you’re meant to be with - that outlook is incredibly detrimental to your mental health.
Unless you think that everyone is the same person and humanity is just a distributed consciousness. In which case anyone you end up with at any time is the person you’re supposed to be with. At which point the key to moving forward is trusting and forgiving “yourself”.
I think that’s healthier but still unhealthy. People who are physically or emotionally abusive are clearly the wrong person to be with - for anyone. Some people just shouldn’t be in relationships with anybody.
Just like… form relationships with people that make your life better and avoid shitty people. If a relationship makes your life worse don’t continue it.
Eh. I’ve been “madly in love” and felt like I would never get that feeling again. Turns out you can.
That’s the counter-intuitive thing. We’re actually hard wired to fall in love, so it’s relatively easy to do so.
It’s something dating shows use to their advantage. Chuck a bunch of attractive people into a villa, out of their comfort zone, stressed, then give them drink and make them stay awake for long hours being filmed doing romantic shit, and the chances are they’ll start developing actual feelings as the hormones start pumping.
We obviously roll our eyes at someone saying they’re in love after they’ve been on screen for 50 seconds, but from what I’ve heard from production and crew on at least one of these shows, they genuinely do have feelings for each other.
Which weirdly makes me less cynical about these reality shows, but more cynical about actual love. If humans can fall in love that easily, it does make love feel less special.
in my opinion love is no more than specific neurochemicals that incite breeding caused by specific triggers. however there are many stages of parenting and humans evolved not to just bust and dust as we began to socialize and civilize. those instincts require different neurochemicals, all with their own triggers. i think lust and infatuation are caused when we find someone that triggers that first stage of breeding. but real love is finding someone who is able to trigger other sets of neurochemicals that drive you to stay with them. someone that you enjoy being around and spending time with. viewing love as biochemistry isn’t as bleak as a lot of people say, because it also explains why we find people who we want to be with in the long term. it doesn’t denigrate what love it, it just shows that real love takes work and effort to maintain.
If this was a highschool relationship my advice would be to just wait. I was devastated when I broke up with my highschool sweetheart but every year it became less important.
Breaking up is something you learn to do just like anything else. In my case I found out the person I grew into isn’t someone the person I was seeing would have loved and the person I am now isn’t someone who would love the person I used to date. Now all the emotions I had and all the things that I thought were important seem trivial
Hope this helps, and don’t stalk it makes you weird and everything you’re experiencing worse.
My rule of thumb is it takes one year of grief for every year invested in a relationship. The fact that it’s been two years for a one year relationship is a bit concerning.
I’m not so sure on that rule. It’s not like I experience a set time period of grief after a relationship ends that’s half as long as the relationship lasted. It usually comes in waves. A bad week, dreams or even a certain smell might trigger a moment of grief that could last from minutes to weeks. As time passed they happen less frequently, last less time and have less emotional impact but they still happen. I wouldn’t suggest that it’s out of the ordinary to be having these feelings if they are occurring 2 years after the end of a 1 year relationship.
Different people will move on at different rates and that’s okay. Just do your best to keep yourself healthy (mentally and physically). If you are struggling with moving on and you think it’s actively harming your health it is crucial to seek some form of therapy however.
I appreciate the insight. And yes I agree the stalking is weird and creepy and this will be the last time I do it. It’s not something I enjoy, but in my darker moments I’m more affable to my intrusive thoughts. That isn’t an excuse though.
There are times in life when we don’t get closure and never will. Coming to peace with this can be challenging. Do what you can to enjoy time with the ones you love. Time makes it easier but there’s no guarantee for closure, ever. Enjoy life the best you can. Keep going.
Thank you, I will.
Therapy. Seriously. It will help with everything.
I am in therapy. It has helped tremendously but it’s not a silver bullet.
Except your wallet.
If you have health insurance, check with them to see if mental health is covered. You actually might not have to pay anything out of pocket. Obviously that’s going to vary from coverage to coverage. But also, a lot of providers have affordable rates for the uninsured. It costs nothing to call around and ask.
This. Lots of health plans don’t even have copays anymore thanks to COVID.
I’ve been with my current partner for 15yrs and I’m still not over my ex. I just got used it.
i think this is what I’m trying to avoid, sorry.
I think my point is that you can’t really avoid it. You can just learn to move on. Moving on takes many shapes and one of them is being ok not being with who was once special to you. There will be new people, new faces, new life events and you get used to life as times moves forward. Or you can just get stuck in the story of your past and let that be a burden to your present and future. There is one tale that comes to mind: two celibate monks reach a river. As they reach to cross it, a woman is seeking help to cross it too but is afraid she’ll drown. One of them refuses categorically to help due to their vow of celibacy. The other doesn’t say a word and carries her on his back to the other side of the river bank. Without saying a word he lets her down and the two monks carry on on their journey. After a short while, the first monk says to the other “how could you help that woman back there? We took a vow of celibacy!” And the other replies ‘’huh? That woman went off my back at the river crossing. Why are you still carrying her?”.
I moreso mean that I want to avoid the situation where I’m not over my ex. I want to make concerted efforts to not hold onto the past like that, and I have. I appreciate the parable though, it was nicely insightful!
15 years, wow… yeah, you might still be in love with him/her… or something they had, but you just don’t get that in your current relationship.
Lets just say life is complicated and choices were made. I’m a happy man with a beautiful family. But sometimes, at night, they still come to mind and you can’t help but ponder on the what ifs.
I know what you mean… I’ve made shitty choices most of my life… but, things are what they are, have a family now as well and you can’t just give up on that.
But, still… as you I sometimes wonder what things would have been like if I didn’t make my current life choices.
By building context.
Other, new experiences with other, new people. Are they better? Worse? Comparable?
You won’t know what it is like or what it even means to be “over” it until you have an idea of something else that will work for you.
I am in the healthiest relationship of my life with someone I genuinely love and appreciate, which makes these feelings all the worst. I think thanks to our fellow lemmings, i have some good ideas on how to progress forward. But the strategy you outlined is what helped me get to this point, so thank you for your perspective!
Good, write another one of these in a couple of months instead of stalking her and you’re set.
But really, you’re young, that’s how these things go. Don’t overthink it.
I do write these types of things every so often. I journal pretty regularly and sometimes look back on it. I agree that the stalking portion is abhorrent and inexcusable. I think I just feel so disconnected from someone I miss from my life, especially as a friend, that I try to find some way to actually see what she’s up to without actually creating a social media account and reaching out, or sending an email. I just don’t think I’m in a place to actually do that in a healthy manner, which the actions detailed above clearly show. I really need to figure my shit out with this.
Edit: these incidents are far and few between as well, and are usually just quick google searches or something on a social media i actually have, always with very little showing up. today escalated to an unacceptable level, even if all I did was reconfirm old information. it’s not something that should be done and i need to respect her privacy.
Therapy or much time
Both of those already in progress :')
