Hyia sorry for this being very ranty, this is something I have only talked about with a choosen few people but I thought I might aswell just be open here and see what people have to say.
Please have understanding for my previously held believes, I don’t agree with any of it anymore and wish I had never had them.
I am Xea, 19yo transwoman(1 year HRT) and a diagnosed autist. I am very proud and ever more confident about my identity but it took alot of work to get here.
When I was 15 I was being bullied by most people in my class, another class and several teachers, I did not function in school as I have severe sensory issues which make me shutdown when there is too much noise to process, this made me grow very resentful and when I was introduced to conservative ideologue content on youtube I ate it all up, first I became moderately conservative, laughing at the “insanity” of the modern left, than I became a stounch conservative, I became hateful towards the migrants who had made me feel uncomfortable in my school and environment and leftist ideas being taught at my school, like… tolerance, I believed transpeople are just a silly leftist invention and (what hurts me most in retrospect) atleast famous trans people I would missgender on purpose.
I started to believe that this system is broken and that violence was the only way to right it.
Later on I started getting more influenced by libertarian politics and notions of personal liberty which ultimately somewhat deradicalized me but I remained somewhat right wing.
Something had been growing while I was developing these believes though, I was hyper sexual and my sexuality was not straight, maybe slighly gay, but mainly I wanted to be the other sex, I hated myself for it, I would be dead ashamed every time I enjoyed it, I would throw away the toys I had bought, hurt myself and people who found out.
when I was 17 this odd desire became more though, it was no longer just about sexuality it was calling… screaming at me that everything was wrong and that I had to get out.
So I left school and spend alot of time alone introflecting, when I started to experience hair loss it was basically my tipping point, if I didn’t do anything now, I would never be able to be who I wanted to be, so I bought a vial of estradiol cypionate and some dutasteride tablets and I turned the hateful ugly boy into a pretty woman.
It was hard to explain to my family how this happened and I never dared to meet my old friends again.
Thank you for reading! <3
thank you!
hm, I mean, after my libertarian phase, I shifted into individualist anarchism before I ultimately stopped giving a fuck about politics since there is nothing I can change.
A while afterwards I was still experiencing thoughts of self tought about my identity due to the things people I had looked up to were spouting but thankfully these thoughts left.
what kind of believes do you think I should watch out for?
I fell in with gamergate when I was a young newly out as bi teenager. I have adhd and felt left behind by society a lot. I was abused at home by my narcissistic single parent and was isolated from the outside world a lot by tm. The misogynistic anti-feminist movement taking place on YouTube at the time very much preyed upon those feelings and made me believe a lot of things that completely went against who I am and what I believe about the world.
Just question yourself whenever you have a thought about a group of people being a certain way. Like I said bigotry has a way of taking hold and infiltrating real thoughts and emotions we have. Which means it can stick around even once we believe we have purged ourselves of it. Pay attention to your own biases and try to undo them. Educate yourself on the experiences of minorities, not just queer people but other minorities too.
It’s been about a decade now since I walked away from the conservative sphere of influence, but still, over the years, I’ve continued to challenge my preconceived beliefs about people and their experiences. I try my best to continually work against a society that is bigoted and would have me believe bigoted things.