Sup y’all I asked out a girl I’ve really liked she denied the invitation :/ I feel pretty sad about it and I don’t really have someone to talk to about this since my closest friends have horrible views on women and relationships in general. They’d just give me horrible advice that would just get me more upset, so I guess I’ll go and rant about it here while I listen to sad music lol.
I got to know her through a friend group that formed after I finished highschool and we still hang out as a group every once in a while if everyone’s in town so I see her on a semi regular basis.
I first started having feelings for her a long time ago, back when I was up to all kinds of stupid shit and a generally annoying person, I like to hope that I’ve been improving although I’ll probably look back in a few years and think the same thing :D. Anyways, our friend group went on a vacation back then and I tried to kiss her towards the end of it which she just kind of pushed me away. I still have intrusive thoughts about it to this day 😖.
Safe to say I had no idea how to approach a girl back then and I’m still struggling a lot with it to this day. I’m pretty good at socializing and getting people to laugh and I also think I’m decent at flirting but once it get’s to intimacy I get extremely scared of making advances so when I do it just turns into me being very awkward. That’s probably why I generally avoid situations where someone would expect me to become intimate with them. Just thinking about kissing someone gives me huge anxiety although I also want to experience it, which is why I have never been in a relationship and only had a few intimate experiences with a friend who lives in another city. I identified as demisexual for a while due to that but I’m kind of unsure about it now. Maybe it’s also some psychological issue going back to my childhood.
So after that happened I kind of gave up on her and that was that, until like 10 months ago. She texted me out of nowhere asking for some advice with her younger brother who apparently had drug problems, since I’m somewhat experienced with drugs and addiction and I also study psychology. I gave her some advice on how to approach and support someone suffering from addiction and gave her some resources like Narcotics Anonymous etc., so far so good. I then asked her whether she wants to talk about how she’s coping and to my surpise she did, and really opened up. We talked about how we both feel responsible for our younger siblings (we’re both the oldest) and how it can be hard when you don’t get through to them. She seemed really thankful for that and I felt so happy that I was able to give her some kind of support dealing with that shit.
At that point the feelings were starting to come back. I started to really admire her again. She’s super smart and you we’ve had long talks about law and the feasibility of a peaceful revolution given german law (she studies law), feminism and some other stuff. I’ve learned a lot from her and she also seemed to appreciate and enjoy our conversations which we have been having more and more of since she texted me about her brother. Shortly after Christmas we were on our way to a club when she rightuflly dunked on me for a bad prositution take which got me motivated to look into the issue from a marxist perspective. I found the book “revolting prostitutes” being recommended on lemmygrad and I went through it in 3 days before I gave it to her for new years eve, which she was super happy about. She was rellay suprised and had the most beatiful smile when she opened the book. All in all I had the feeling that everything was going pretty well.
We just came back from a short vacation with a part of the friend group mentioned above. That is, her and three other (male) friends were visiting a common (male) friend. So she was kind of part of the “guys vacation” which was a bit awkward but it all went well and everyone had a good time. We (as in me and her) even enjoyed a stroll at the beach with the rest of the guys being like 100m behind us. I was feeling like I was walking on clouds, it was great :) I couldn’t get myself to make a move tho, since all the other guys were there and that really gets my anxiety regarding intimacy going so left it at that, which I think was the right call. By now I’ve figured it’s better to let it all develop at a pace I’m comfortable with since I don’t want to put myself in a situation were my anxiety fucks me over again.
She called me this morning because she had apparently lost her wallet on the flight back. She found it like 10 min later and we texted a bit joking about it. I then decided to shoot my shot and ask her out for dinner. I figured it would be a good time since it’s not very common that were both in the same place and I didn’t want to wait for another few months to get the next chance. Also we just had some nice moments together on vacation so I didn’t want to lose the momentum. Anyways, she responded that she wouldn’t really have time and we should just hang out with the whole friend group instead.
Now I’m having a really hard time interpreting this and just feel sad overall since I had a really good feeling about this. I don’t now whether this is her way of saying that she’s not ready for a proper date yet, or whether she just sees me as a friend? I’ve been questioning everything I was interpreting about how things were going and wondering whether I was just stupid and looking through rose tinted shades (is that a saying?). Maybe proposing dinner was also too uncreative? I’m also scared that I’ll never find somebody and my time is running out. Generally I need a lot of time of getting to know someone before I can imaging having a relationship with someone and she seemed like the perfect match. I admire so much about her and don’t really know anyone like that :( What am I supposed to do? Try to forget about her or keep taking it slow? I feel like her response was quite clear and I don’t want to annoy her anyomre if the feeling isn’t mutual but then again I can’t imagine there are no feelings at all on her side and feel like I shouldn’t give up on it yet.
Shit sucks but writing this makes me feel a bit better at least. Also I’ll go and play some poker with a few friends now so I’m looking forward to that. Anyways, feel free to give me some advice it would be much appreciated. Y’all seem to be decent people who have more experience with this stuff so I’d love to hear your thoughts comrades <3
The big point: she seems to enjoy your friendship despite there being no romantic interest, so you shouldn’t feel too bad.
The small points (which my just be me projecting my own quirks on her, but bear with me)
Anyways, our friend group went on a vacation back then and I tried to kiss her towards the end of it which she just kind of pushed me away.
I don’t know how it works in your culture, but in my experience people are pretty okay with being asked if they want to kiss beforehand. I know movies make it look like it’s always some spontaneous single braincell situation, but it’s usually way easier that way in parties or whatnot.
Might be worth a try with other future crushes, a “no” may still sting, but won’t keep you awake in dread late at night. The power dynamics are also flipped into something much more manageable.
I’m also scared that I’ll never find somebody and my time is running out
I’m assuming from you still having friends from high school times that you’re not over 45. No, there is no such thing as “time running out”. Take your time and enjoy it, be it with friends and dates, but you absolutely don’t need to conform to some notion of having specific age slots for doing romance (or that you even need romance to be wholly happy in the first place).
If you like somebody and they like you back, cool. If not, you’re not “adulting wrong” or anything like that.
I then decided to shoot my shot and ask her out for dinner.
Going from the way you’re telling it, I want to at least congratulate you on having managed to ask, even if it ultimately a “no”. It can be really stressful and from the way you describe it was a comfortable interaction.
What am I supposed to do? Try to forget about her or keep taking it slow? I feel like her response was quite clear and I don’t want to annoy her anyomre if the feeling isn’t mutual but then again I can’t imagine there are no feelings at all on her side and feel like I shouldn’t give up on it yet.
I don’t speak neurotypical, but I think you got a “no”. Whether it was because of inconvenience or whatever else, that’s what you got. In fact, if you think your intentions were clear (and since you said she was pretty smart), you can assume that she understands you’re interested in her.
That means you should do: nothing.
If she reciprocates but was constrained by whatever, it’s in her court now.
If she doesn’t, well that’s that and you can enjoy the friendship if you can.
As Stavros Halkias says “The road to Ws is littered with Ls”
Damn that’s a life motto if I ever heard one.
Hahaha this is a good one. I’ll keep my head high comrade!
I agree with everyone here.
I only noticed one thing that wasn’t mentioned when reading, which I would like to comment on, it’s a bit of advice on maybe what to try to do in the future, but only if you want it :)
Yes please!
I’m sorry you got the wind knocked out of your sails. But you did mostly right, good instincts.
First it was good that you didn’t make a move on her on the beach in front of all her friends. You’re unlikely to progress a relationship in front of a peer group. The risk is too high: that they’ll be judged, or that it’ll ruin other relationships with those peers.
Second you accepted the rejection with grace. This is good, as it’s never worthwhile to put someone you say you care about through a bad time. Besides, a rejection is usually less about you than you might think. For example:
- She might have a boyfriend or have her eye on someone else.
- She might not want a long distance relationship.
- Maybe you’ve got a habit she doesn’t like (e.g. smoking or something)
- Maybe she’s not looking for a relationship at all. Maybe she just got out of a bad one.
- Maybe a friend of hers is in crisis and she has too much to deal with.
- Maybe she wants to be unattached to move elsewhere in world after university.
Anyway my advice would be to move on (mentally – don’t like physically change houses). The easiest way to do that is to date other people… to that end I have some practical advice I can offer you.
First your increase your chances at attracting a partner if you are healthy and fit. This answers any potential deal-breakers about your fitness, lifestyle, potential as a parent, etc. So eat a lot of lean chicken and vegetables, and commit to drinking 4 litres of whole milk each day every third week and lift heavy weights (e.g. Stronglifts or Starting Strength).
Second, learn how to talk. This is hard, but force yourself to say something to a complete stranger every day. Later increase the difficultly (say something to someone near to your age, say something to a woman every day, compliment a stranger, compliment a woman stranger). Keep track of your progress and keep practicing and it gets easier.
Third, live an interesting life. Avoid being at home in the evening. Take a dance class, join a dance crews, pick-up an instrument an go to open-mic night, karaoke, join a social group (via meetup?) for your age group.
Anyway, if you’ve done 1, 2, 3 then you should be meeting and talking to potential partners regularly. You’ll be in peak physical condition and not at all nervous… and you’ll do just fine.
Terrible advice in my opinion, this is just PUA-lite type stuff.
First of all, working out sucks and if your only motivation to do it is a nebulous idea of it making you more attractive to women, you’re not going to stick with it long enough for it deliver significant results. Also, there’s so many fat nerds out there fucking, you can definitely find love without being super swole. The solution to being rejected once isn’t completely internalizing western beauty standards.
Second, OP already has friends so I’m sure they’re comfortable talking to people they’re familiar with about things that interest them, that’s enough. You don’t have to be the master rizzler to get a date, you just need to find someone that’s interested in what you have to say and has interesting things to say to you.
Third, trying to change who you are for the sake of attracting women is also not likely a change you’re going to stick to if that’s your only motivation. It’s also kind of dishonest, and quite unnecessary, unless of course the part you’re trying to change is “I’m a misogynistic sack of shit” but that’s another matter. You don’t need to be able to dance or play an instrument or all the other stereotypical Hollywood “hot guy” things, you can absolutely build a relationship through the interests you actually care about, whether that be playing a guitar like a rock star or painting armies of little tiny plastic dudes.
pigginz has a valid viewpoint. Most people I’ve given this advice to respond in similar ways. I think it comes down to two fundamental conflicts, the first is about “Being true to yourself” vs doing otherwise.
Did you see the Barbie movie? There is this great quote:
“You’re not your girlfriend. You’re not your house, you’re not your mink. [Ken] Beach? [Barbie] Nope. You’re not even beach. Maybe all the things that you thought made you you aren’t really you”
The idea is that “you are you”, and it’s more fundamental than superficial things like your clothes, body, job, conversational skills, etc. But if this is true, the idea cuts both ways: if “you” are not any of these things then you may change any of these things and still be true to yourself (because these things are not you!). Sort of absurd. “You” in some sense includes your capabilities, relationships (with people and property), your job, fashion sense, your family, your history, etc. But in a more immediate sense, I think “you” must certainly include your actions. Ken in that movie was an asshole because he acted like one.
So “being true to yourself” vs not is a factor whenever you change your actions. You choose to go to the gym. You choose to talk to strangers . You choose to leave the house. Perhaps you feel that making these choices will have violated your integrity, but I feel that’s hard to sustain which will become clearer when we look at the second fundamental conflict: Is it immoral to choose to act this way?
I would posit that you choose to do these things because you desire a certain outcome. That in itself isn’t immoral, because that’s why we’re all communists. We act certain ways (e.g. by reading books, posting, organizing) because we hope to achieve a certain outcome (a better society). But some actions are certainly immoral: but it depends on both the action and the motivation behind it. For example if you become a life guard because you want to save people, that’s moral. If you become a life guard because you intend to let a select few hated enemies drown, that’s immoral.
It’s immoral to lie and/or pretend to be something you are not, but it’s moral to present yourself as well you can, as far and wide as you can, because you want to attract a partner. But morality requires you to act with honesty, consideration and care towards others.
4l of whole milk every day for a week every three weeks? What’s that about?
Milk is a good source of protein and calories, tho it is kind of cheaper and more convenient to just buy some protein powder.
That makes sense. Drinking 4l of milk for 140g protein seems inefficient and unhealthy.
GOMAD (gallon of milk a day). I thought that was kind of a meme?
It’s not a meme. It works. Especially for men in their 20’s and 30’s.
It’s kind of like low cost insurance. People have a natural tendency to eat a similar calorie amount everyday. Society talks about mesomorphs, endomorphs, ectomorphs, but as far as I can tell there is no science backing this (instead these differences arise from the different daily calorie amounts). So GOMAD basically ensures a beginning weight trainer is getting enough healthy calories for muscle growth. It combats the “hard-gainer” phenomenon.
I’ve not heard of it. Not sure I’d do it tbh. Seems a bit… not something I’d want to try. That’s a lot of saturated fat!
I think you did mostly good things. In the end, in my experience/opinion, every person in the world has a bunch of potential romantic partners that would be very compatible. Of course, there are some behaviors/mindsets that are in general more attractive, like healthy confidence, cleanliness and so on, but I don’t want to talk about those. The only difference would be that the percentage of compatible partners you have would rise.
What I really wanted to say was simply to make your move as early as you feel any romantic/mental attraction.
First of all, you’re being more honest, more true with yourself, which usually in my experience will make you feel better about yourself.
Secondly, you save a bunch of time when you will inevitably get rejected. Dating is always a numbers game, if you like 5% of women and the women like 5% of men, then only 0.25% of encounters will actually result in a potential romantic one. The only way to find out is to try.
Third, this will also save you from forming an attachment that’s too deep in the 95% of cases where you like a woman that doesn’t like you back. It will simply just happen often that you like someone and they don’t like you back, like others have said, most often not really even having anything to do with you doing anything wrong, just because of her situation or other external factors.
In this case this sounds like that time to make a move would have been after your advice sessions. You can just do your asking for a date that you did after the vacation right there instead. If there is any interest at all, she’ll likely say yes, it’s not really necessary to wait for an even deeper feeling.
But yes, as I and others have said, you’ve been doing well, this is mostly just optimization advice.
She may like you imo, but is still feeling you out. Or maybe this is just a shitty time for her. People have all sorts of reasons why they might not be interested and a lot of the time, it’s not you. You need to chill.
You have the stink of desperation. I know it is hard but right now you need to be cool baby 😎
IMO the best thing to do is hang a few more times in group settings WITH NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE and when you’ve calmed down just be direct. Put it out there, hey, I love spending time with you, and I would love to explore taking this beyond friendship and was wondering if you might feel the same? It’s fine if not we can always just be friends. But you have to mean it. Only then will it come from a place of confidence. The only way to know FOR SURE is to ask.
Also a bit of a tepid take but just ask explicitly for consent before you do anything comrade. “Can I hold your hand?” Sure it’s not suave or whatever but I would rather be clumsy than an asshole. I’ve never suffered negative consequences from asking but I’ve definitely pissed people off by assuming. I wish someone had taught me that when I was younger.
Every time I read something like this it makes me glad I’m not in the sex/romance game. It’s a jungle out there
It also strangely made me glad I don’t do “interpreting” or subtlety. People are told upfront what I want to say, no “did they notice it was a date invitation” horror.
I feel like her response was quite clear and I don’t want to annoy her anyomre if the feeling isn’t mutual but then again I can’t imagine there are no feelings at all on her side and feel like I shouldn’t give up on it yet.
You know the right answer here, you just don’t want it to be the right answer.
Respectfully - you tried to kiss her and she pushed you away. That’s a pretty clear signal that she’s not interested. You should’ve stopped there, and not asked her out. She sees you as a friend and you see her as a romantic interest, and that’s a fundamental incompatibility. Do both of you a favor and stop pursuing her. Find someone who’s actually interested in you. There are a lot of women out there. Good luck!
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Bullshit. The great majority of normal human being are not obsessed with judging people and labeling them as “good enough” or not. It’s entirely possible to just not feel romantic attraction to someone even if they’re rich and fit and interesting or whatever other traits you think make you entitled to affection.
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There’s no point in “giving someone a chance” if you already know for sure you’re not attracted to them, that’s usually called “leading someone on” and is generally regarded as crappy behavior.
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Chasing after someone who has already rejected you is weird and creepy behavior. Attraction is about the desire of two people drawing both of them together. If you want to stay in friendship with someone and hope that the friendzone cracks open eventually you can do that, though I wouldn’t recommend it. But if you try to actively crack it by being “persistent” rather than waiting to see if there is a shift in the relationship you’re fucking weird and creepy.
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mother gave my father a chance and he was persistent when they were friends.
soy reddit mentality
I was talking about you. Op tried to kiss her, waited some years, then asked her to dinner. Really not an issue.
“Soy reddit mentality” dude are you for real right now?
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you’re a massive loser lmao
You say “time is running out”, now I don’t know your situation with your body, but if you’re simply thinking of “checkpoints” that others around your age have achieved or pressure from family/culture then you’re probably letting patriarchal conjecture infect your perspective of relationships.
It seems like you have a good friendship with this person. Keep being dependable and expect the same from them, and respect their boundaries. It sounds like this person would have a lot better advice wrt to dating women than your other friends, cherish that. You admire this person, admiration is a friendly emotion too and you can funnel that energy into building the friendship without intimacy/sexual undertones.
You’ll be alright. Remember that you don’t gotta impress folks all the time 😂, if you can try to not stress yourself with how you’re being perceived in the moment, it can go a long way to ease social anxiety!
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OP is not going to torture themselves by staying friends with a person they had feelings for lmao. You can actually, readjust your perception of people. You’re showing the same thinking that men and women can’t be friends despite both of those being entirely cultural institutions.
You thinking normal advice about how to build friendships and setting boundaries is a “lib salad” is telling for how you view relationships and other people. You called me a lib while professing Conservative Liberalism.
It’s great that you provided the type of advice OP is avoiding from their male friends
It’s great that you provided the type of advice OP is avoiding from their male friends
The perfect way to put it.
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suffer by her side
you’re an incel and it’s obvious
Fortunately I don’t think OP is stupid enough to buy into this shit.
o7
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No, because this is an obvious and extremely common incel talking point that is so blatantly wrong and funny that it outs someone as an incel immediately.
Touch grass, what Kaffe was saying is extremely common, and many people that were good friends before confessing manage to remain friends if they distance their feelings and respect the wishes of the other side.
If staying their friend is “torturous” why were you that person’s friend to begin with?
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There are some good insights in this comment. Thank you comrade I appreciate it <3
Rejection really sucks but one has to stop and reflect on this sort of things. You played your hand and she did not reciprocate the interest at that moment, you did your best and now the ball is in her court maybe in the future she invites you back, you dont really know whats she is currently going through.
Rereading the comments I just noticed that “you playes your hand” has a nice dual meaning considering I just came back from playing poker lol. Looking back, that text definitely was the most unsuccessful hand of the day lmao. Thanks for the laugh :)
Your right of course but it’s hard to accept. I’ll work on it and take my time. Finger crossed and thanks for the reply.
No problem, literally went through this a month ago lmao. I did everything right and they indicted me!
Don’t give me that hope😂😭 Edit: nvm I confused indited and vindicated lol.
I think it’s time to move on. Enjoy your friendship for what it is if you can. If you can’t, get some distance until you’re over it. Based on what you’re saying, I feel confident saying that she isn’t interested and if you keep pushing you’ll probably at best just poison your friendship and at worst make her want to avoid the whole friend group.
Rejection sucks, but it happens to absolutely everyone. There’s probably nothing horribly wrong with you, so don’t get stuck in a rut and try to just keep moving forward with your life.
Thank you for the reply <3
That’s tricky. At least you werent rejected rejected? If I were you I’d just continue being close friends, but I’ve never asked anyone out and I don’t know how to flirt.
I was trying to tell myself that as well but let’s be real if she would’ve really been interested she would’ve proposed another time or activity so I think it is safe to assume that she’s really not interested, at least not atm. I think the best way to go about it is just assume that she’s not interested and if she really changes her mind she can always approach me. She’s a big girl who can handle herself after all, which I love about her lol 😅.
Yeah, I just mean at least the connection isn’t lost because you shot your shot.
ah that makes sense
I then decided to shoot my shot and ask her out for dinner.
she responded that she wouldn’t really have time and we should just hang out with the whole friend group instead
I’m having a really hard time interpreting this… Maybe proposing dinner was also too uncreative?
I see this as a very clear (and very polite) “no.”
The way I look at it is: if she was interested in going on a date with you, would she respond that way? An interested person who really was just temporarily busy would propose a better time, or a different activity, or they’d fit it in because it’s something they’re excited about. They’d work with you some. Someone who can’t find time and does not try to find a way to make it happen is not interested in making it happen. It’s no fun to hear.
Yeah I’ve come to that realization as well, looking back I was just trying to rationalize it away. Thank you for reaffirming what I already kind of new deep down but didn’t want to admit.
Just got home from Poker, won some money, and shared some good laughs so I’m feeling better now.
I’ll take the advice others have given and just cherish the friendship without pushing anymore. As another user said the ball is in her court now and, as you say, she was indeed very polite with her denial, which is cool, so I’ll try to take it in stride. She’s still a great person and I’m blessed to have her in my life. There’s really no point in ruining that just because I can’t get over my ego. Thank you for the feedback comrade <3
I def feel bad cuz I know y’all get like this when we reject you
Your response is really nice tho
Sorry if unwanted
Thank you :)
Unfortunately this is life, it always has been like this and always will be. There will be people you are interested in that won’t reciprocate, it happened to all of us, and there will be people interested in you that you won’t be interested in, she probably exists but not on your radar, women in general are less direct about their interests and wait for the man to make the first move. I had both happen to me, a woman I was interested in that rejected me and a woman that was interested in me that I rejected.
If you feel the need to be sad then take your time and deal with your emotions. Rejection is tough and can be demoralizing, be it a job or a love interest. What you are going through is normal.
