@BackOnMyBS I end up with other people who need someone who is extremely observant of boundaries and is willing to break down communication step by step to avoid misunderstandings. I can’t really make it work with people who need a system of emotional outbursts and misunderstandings and reconciliation without clarity.

I’m resigned to being single till I die. But I think either option has its pros and cons. End of the day though if you love someone and they love you it’s possible to work through stuff if you communicate.

I would advise against choosing a date based on wether their autistic or not unless their is a clear pattern of one not working out.

Everyone is still different, there are emotionally deep neurotypicals and neurodivergents with an opposite emotional existence.

That said, me and my partner do both have a diagnosis and I couldn’t see it be any other way.

Yeah, here’s the thing about dating another neurodivergent person: their needs may be exactly what your boundaries are. For example, someone who is completely touch averse pairing with someone who is touch seeking and rejection sensitive. And since they’re not trying to be malicious but both of you are more or less intractable because you can only change or compromise on your needs through heavy and painful masking, it can be disastrous.

Also, neurodivergent people can be more ableist than allistic due to how they’ve internalized criticism and taught themselves to mask.

Now this is all situational and a neurotypical person can be the same way, which is why I say it really doesn’t matter if you date a neurodivergent person or a neurotypical person. It’s about finding a partner that can empathize and respects you.

I’ve tried to date fellow autistics, and it has never gone well. My longest lasting relationships have all been with other neurodivergent people, but all of whom have different issues. There’s something to be said for the closeness of having neurodivergences that are divergent.

Let me put it this way. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years now and back then we both thought we were NT. By now we both know we’re not 😂

Only had issues dating divergents. You’ve outlined ideal relationships for both pairings. Either ideal setup works great, but the issue is that it rarely works out like that. Lot’s of divergents are patient and empathic online, but my experience when it comes to dating they expect their emergency to matter and the partner (myself included) couldn’t deal with the situation at that level that quickly. Either way slow down the relationship. Date for years and years. Statistics say never get married.

I’m currently dating someone who is not diagnosed with something but is definitely not neurotypical. I only dated one person before when I was 16 and that didn’t really go well, we didn’t talk much I don’t know how it worked really. That first relationship was with a neurotypical person

Ive never dated anyone whos been diagnosed with anything, but I am certainly attracted to quirky people. The last long term relationship was a bit of a train wreck, and I suspect there was some autism there, but she was only ever diagnosed with anxiety, although her cousin, who her family said was just like her, was eventually diagnosed as autistic. We had very different levels of emotional maturity though and that caused a lot of problems, especially around conflict resolution. I suspect she had a personality disorder in tow.

I think you should just assess each person individually and not really screen for divergence. Most people arent going to open with ‘hi im autistic’ anyway, and you could end up doing yourself a disservice worrying about if they fit with you on paper verses just finding out if you fit together organically.

I would probably not go back to dating NTs except if very reflected and also an autistic ally. Being with an autistic person can be infuriating at times but the level of „you just understand“ is wayyyy different from anything else. Tbf, I‘m married and we‘re together for almost a decade now so emotional maturity has def changed a lot.

The amount of internalized ableism you have to overcome with anyone who isnt at least hyper aware of autism is no joke though. Maybe possible for a „lifer“ so to speak, so someone who knew of their diagnosis all their life but def not fun for me who is quite late diagnosed and needs to learn to be themselves.

P.S.: of yourse it is you again… ;)

If I may ask a related question, how important is neurotype compared to other things?

The double empathy problem is indeed a thing, but I wonder if it trumps other relationship needs.

Sure, you can both be autistic, but if you have no interests in common and just don’t meet each other’s relationship needs, then it likely isn’t going to work.

And maybe it doesn’t matter if two people don’t share a neurotype if they understand each other and can work around each other’s quirks. Supposedly there’s a number of NT people that find info-dumping “cute”.

I got the furthest with other autistic people, although that still have its caveats. My touch needs annoy NTs, let alone touch avoidant autistic people.

it does genuinely depend on the people involved. as much as ND’s love to go “ugh, neurotypicals” (myself included) a lot of the stuff we rant about isn’t specifically definative of NT.

in my experience, i have struggled mostly with people who could not imagine anything outside of their own personal experience, to the extent of disbelieving those other experiences exist.

i don’t wish a partner like that for any autist. no matter how much they “love” you and want to “help” you. that is hell. that is death.

but a NT who acknowledges and accepts different inner experiences, and may even be curious about them, could make an amazing partner. they may not instinctively understand right away, but they will believe you. i think that’s a fundamental prerequisite that a lot of NTs lack because they encounter more people who are like them than people who aren’t.

like, i get when you meet 99 people who think the temperature in the room is incredibly pleasant, you might be baffled by the 1 person who is in sensory hell. but many people lack the imagination to think that person is legitimately uncomfortable, and instead think they want attention or something.

NDs are usually the odd ones out and so tend to encounter more people who are different than the same. and so it may be categorically easier to understand that people experience the world differently than us because that is kind of the main social issue we face most days our entire life.

As long as they have executive function enough for both of us, I think it could work out.

I married my wife and later we were talking (she knew I was autistic and she has ADHD) and realized she’s probably on the spectrum too, just in different ways than I

To be honest, it works out well, since our characteristics are complementary. Whether that’s down to being neurodivergent or not, I can’t say.

My ex I dated for 5 years before that had ADHD too, now that I think about it…. And my best friend realized he’s autistic last year, and we’ve been friends over a decade… Maybe neurodivergent attracts neurodivergent?