Tldr: my wife and I get into verbal fights quite often (once a month or so) I get over it in an hour and it takes her days. Both of us think that the other’s timeline isn’t normal. What’s typical/normal?
I’m ADHD (my current therapist thinks it’s AuDHD) so I’m prone to emotional deregulation and pretty crazy mood swings. I’m pretty sure my parents are somehow ND as well so I don’t have the best basis. My wife is also ND, but it’s audio processing not emotionally related
My wife and I get into fights and arguments sometimes over petty stuff. I feel I hear her out but it’s difficult for her to listen to me straight through as I tend to take a while to get to my point. She interrupts me a lot with either snide comments or questions that if she just waited a sec I’d answer. This leads me to getting frustrated and raising my voice and yelling, which gets her pissed off and raises her voice and suddenly we’re in a shouting match.
Eventually one of us gives up or realizes they’re wrong and we end the fight and go to our separate (safe) areas.
After about an hour I feel I’m back to normal and can talk about other things. (We usually have something we need to do with our kids or work or the house that we need to communicate on).
My wife feels it takes her a day or two to come down from a fight so shes very short with me until that time, where I feel I can talk after an hour or so… She feels that it’s not normal to change in that short of time.
What do people think?
I don’t know that you are actually asking the question that you want an answer to. So here’s an answer: it’s okay for each of you to take the amount of time that you are taking to recover. But it also sounds like you both may not be understanding each other’s feelings or feeling like your feelings are being understood. Couples therapy might be helpful. I also recommend “Non violent communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. It’s essentially an extension of the therapisty thing of using “I feel” language.
I have two rollercoasters in my family - happy, pissed off, over it in an hour. Two of us are slower to resolve and require acknowledgement. The best answer is likely somewhere in the middle.
There really isn’t a norm. I don’t get mad very easily- I brush off thighs that upset other people - but if I get made it takes a long time to get over it. I had a gf once who got mad at the slitest thing (often really mad), but work get over it really quickly. There’s a lot of variation. And, of course, it can depend on the issue, too. A guy leaving the toilet set up is different from a guy kissing his gf’s sister.
You brush off thighs?
I love thighs myself, but that’s just me.
Perhaps they meant “brush against thighs”.
Lol yup
You misunderstand: I love them so much that when I see any kind of dust or anything on them, I brush them off.
“Things;” I’m leaving that typo, but fixed two others. Proof reading for the win!
I get the best of both worlds, it takes sustained pressure for a LONG time for me to get angry about something and when I finally do get angry it fizzles out and I’m over it in a matter of minutes to a max of about an hour.
But then again, most of my “negative” emotions are like that, grief, sadness, anger etc fizzle out quickly and I’m back to “baseline”. It’s like there’s a switch on brain that goes “Ok, that’s enough of that, back to normal”, not sure how normal that is in relation to others LMAO
That’s great, at least as long as you’re truly letting go of it and not pushing it down someplace.
It’s pretty easy for me to feel sadness, but anger is just a very unnatural state for me. Probably to an unhealthy degree in that there are probably times when I should be mad, but instead just get despondent.
It really depends on the specifics of the fight and the person (neurotypical or not). Perhaps some couple counselling with a professional would be helpful to understand each other better?
It normally takes me up to 12 hours (sleep or not), rarely lobger, to forgive myself for not forgiving myself (99%) or the other person.
eta - assuming the ‘minor’ is worthy of 12 hours’ attention.
As a NT parent, one of the hardest things has been the “emotional whiplash” of an ADHD kid. One minute it’s a horrific display of emotional violence that scars me for life, and then five minutes later it’s like it never happened. I’m probably slower to change my feelings than most - there are things that happened years ago I’m still able to access fresh feelings about - but even when I actively recover from a fight I’m still upset by the time the next one occurs. It’s taken a toll on my mental health for sure.
I wouldn’t say there’s a norm, everyone varies. What would probably help a bunch is some sort of validation for how that fight sucked for the other person, no matter who’s right or wrong.
“Hey, I’m sorry we fought. I hate it and I know you do too. I don’t ever mean to make you feel bad. I love you and want us to be ok. Is there anything else you need me to understand?”
I don’t believe there’s a consistent difference between ND and NT. Everybody’s handling conflicts differently.
Those poor kids
That was my thoughts - this is no way to teach them about dispute resolution. OP seems to be focusing in the wrong thing (as everyone deals with things different) and they need relationship counselling.
Not to mention things must be pretty tense around the house. Once a month seems very regular to me to have such arguments.
I’m AuDHD (not self-diagnosed), and I’ve felt like neurotypicals do need a longer time to get over fights than I do, whether in relationships or otherwise.
Short answer: it depends on the person and situation.
Long answer: it depends on the person and situation.
It completely depends on the person and the fight. I’m pretty much good to go in a couple minutes unless there was some serious betrayal that led to the fight. My wife needs anywhere between 1 and 3 days. Thankfully we really only fight about once a year, and it’s always over some completely pointless bullshit.
I’m ADHD, and a fight will ruin my day. I mean it will literally prevent me from accomplishing ANYTHING besides mindless tasks.
A few hours afterwards I’m often found staring into space reflecting on who said what, what I should say/do if it comes up again, and how it will affect tomorrow or the day after that. For bigger issues, the reflection will gradually reduce over the next few days.
That sounds more like a minor trauma or so.
Same for me. I will be in agony until reconciliation is made.
Dude. I’m ADHD and I’m the exact same way. I hate it cause it’s all I can think about.
As someone with ASD, I can’t say I’ve seen that much difference in the time it takes NT/ND people to get over a fight.
While I have seen some consistency across the sexes, in that guys seem to hold onto arguments for less time on average, even that varies quite a lot.
Earlier this year an unhinged stranger cussed me out and threatened to assault me in front of my kid. Not sure if that counts as a fight, or a minor fight, but it took me like two days to get over it. I handled it as well as I could have it the moment, but I still just kept replaying it in my head, imagining what I could have done differently. I’m pretty sure that I’m neurotypical.
