The picture that made you click on this post was captured 2 weeks ago. 165lbs 5’8. I’m no longer obese, I haven’t been for months now, but I’m still stared up and down from other strangers who are trying ascertain whether I pose a threat or not.
I’m walking forward and not acknowledging you and yet you’re fiddling around with ur pockets or moving away from me. I could share more but people have a tendency to question what really happened in x experience, derailing the discussion entirely. I’m stuck in Vancouver for the foreseeable future and I’d appreciate it if you just answered the question.
I’m not interested in empty platitudes or comments unrelated to the topic at hand. “What can I change about my face to make the average vancouverite less scared of me”. That’s it. I’m not expecting anyone here to be an expert on anthropology but this is an (mostly, IDK ur OSINT but me personally idc anymore) anonymous forum. Say that I look tired and I’ll look for surgeons who can handle complex eyelid surgeries. Id appreciate candidness. Random assortment of photos I found within the last year. I can’t be half assed to remove identifying information anymore.
I’m white (for what that’s worth) and there’s lots about your experience that to be honest that I cannot relate to well. But you seem like a really good person who’s struggling all on their own (I’d probably guess you don’t have family in Canada at the moment) in a really difficult situation.
In Western countries, plastic surgery for self-esteem reasons does not usually increase self-esteem.
I strongly, strongly recommend you seek counselling (with someone who has experience with racism) if you can access it. Maybe resources are available though school, maybe there are resources available in your city/province. If you can get some professional help, I’d really recommend it. I get the sense you’re fighting a huge battle on your own, and with all due respect I think you’re overwhelmed and becoming a little delusional (which to be fair is an understandable reaction in the face of unsolvable stress).
I’d suggest you say “I am considering multiple facial surgeries to cope with people discriminating against me at school, work, and in relationships because I’m Black. I don’t think I can be happy or successful if I don’t get facial surgeries that make me look less Black.”
If you can’t access professional support, try to seek out or strengthen your Black social support network - find people with whom you can experience community. Maybe a students’ organization, a religious group, etc. I think things have gotten to the point where professional support may be necessary and non-professionals on their own might struggle to help you. Both would be good.
I had a best friend from Ghana. He was one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen, and he was very popular. Nevertheless, his self-esteem was shit. It was shocking. Eventually he got married and he’s quite happy now. But Ghana to Canada may have been a major major culture shock on him that having someone to honestly talk to about might have helped with.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll find much relief until you’re tackling the real issue: your ongoing struggles with and internalization of anti-Black racism (as well as social isolation, perhaps).
P.S. Black is not bad, and if your “friends” are making fun of your race they’re not your friends.