Men get so many mixed messages in today’s society, from being called toxic to being pushed to be top dog (or else you’re a loser). There are lots of expectations put on men, and various ways men rebel against those.
What can be done to address society’s negative views of men and masculinity? And how can we formulate what healthy masculinity looks like, so we can teach that to our boys?
I get very suspicious when someone tries to tell me what masculinity means, because that’s invariably the opening salvo of what they think men owe them. I’m not completely sure “healthy masculinity” makes any more sense than “toxic masculinity”. But I do think men need some warnings about how their qualities, preferences, and behaviors will be interpreted by those around them.
Masculinity is the sum of physical and behavioral differences between males and females. Even at the base, it doesn’t mean much of anything without comparison to femininity. Of those differences, which are cultural, which are biological? Masculinity is a set of descriptions, external and internal expectations, and (importantly) some understanding of the benefits and penalties of passing or failing the external expectations.
Should men be expected to initiate? Men that don’t initiate probably aren’t going to do as well, it’s one of the biggest expectations put on males. Learning to initiate generally comes with lots of problems from the inevitable failure and rejection. Being able to initiate is good thing, but learning to do so brings lots of behaviors that feminists usually describe as toxic. So is that healthy or toxic masculinity? Both? Neither?
If I could file the names off of stoicism, I would probably start there. It’s nearly impossible to use as is, because most people misunderstand what stoicism means, badly.