Men get so many mixed messages in today’s society, from being called toxic to being pushed to be top dog (or else you’re a loser). There are lots of expectations put on men, and various ways men rebel against those.
What can be done to address society’s negative views of men and masculinity? And how can we formulate what healthy masculinity looks like, so we can teach that to our boys?
I think it’s worth exploring the concepts of healthy masculinity & wounded masculinity. I would recommend Jake Woodard for this as he’s spent a lot of time talking about healthy & wounded masculinity (as well as femininity).
https://cherieroedirksen.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/feminineandmasculine.jpg
I get very suspicious when someone tries to tell me what masculinity means, because that’s invariably the opening salvo of what they think men owe them. I’m not completely sure “healthy masculinity” makes any more sense than “toxic masculinity”. But I do think men need some warnings about how their qualities, preferences, and behaviors will be interpreted by those around them.
Masculinity is the sum of physical and behavioral differences between males and females. Even at the base, it doesn’t mean much of anything without comparison to femininity. Of those differences, which are cultural, which are biological? Masculinity is a set of descriptions, external and internal expectations, and (importantly) some understanding of the benefits and penalties of passing or failing the external expectations.
Should men be expected to initiate? Men that don’t initiate probably aren’t going to do as well, it’s one of the biggest expectations put on males. Learning to initiate generally comes with lots of problems from the inevitable failure and rejection. Being able to initiate is good thing, but learning to do so brings lots of behaviors that feminists usually describe as toxic. So is that healthy or toxic masculinity? Both? Neither?
If I could file the names off of stoicism, I would probably start there. It’s nearly impossible to use as is, because most people misunderstand what stoicism means, badly.
Look, we’re gonna have to clarify some things.
Masculinity is the way men act that gets women interested in them. Same with femininity.
The desire for feminine women never went away, men were just beaten up until they kept their preferences to themselves and told to deal with it on their own. Which men by and large did (often by walking away from dating altogether)
Masculinity is the set of behaviors and traits a man possesses that makes a woman sexually attracted to him. It has fuck all to do with the man himself, and everything to do with women’s perception of that man.
Women’s perceptions are far more frequently these days that men are shit, trash, and that everything that men were praised and rewarded for doing is now “bare minimum”
On top of that, the social machine looked at this and thought “ooo I can use this to get better slaves/drones/workers/cogs” so there’s a bunch of bullshit thrown in too that makes the factory owner very happy.
So really, the entire concept is some bullshit manipulation that is now falling apart simply because women’s expectations exploded in scope, while at the same time the expectations put on women evaporated
So men have to do 10x the work for 1/10 the benefit to be considered “masculine”, and to be honest it’s not worth the effort anymore.
Men are also waking up to the fact that these concepts are used to control them, not benefit them
So, to answer your question: nothing can be done (from the men’s side)
And quite frankly, it’s a concept that should die, not because we don’t need “masculine” men, but because we already have men, we as a society just need to stop treating them like shit
What does healthy masculinity even look like?
Men used to have a role as breadwinner. That gave us a purpose and dignity: it doesn’t matter what job you have, so long as you provide for your family. Success was providing.
The default role is gone, and I think that’s for the best. But there’s no clear path to relevance for men now. So some men and boys look for other sources of purpose and validation: are they attractive to women? Do they have the right brands? Are they angry at the right people?
When I was growing up, my dad pushed me to be the best at something. The thing didn’t really matter, nor did being the best, but the effort did. I needed to focus and apply myself. That gave me direction, and it helped me achieve academically. That, in turn, helped me find a purpose as an adult.
So here it is, sbv’s recipe for healthy masculinity: try. Choose what you’re going to do, and then try as hard as you fucking can. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, understand what didn’t work and move on to the next thing. But keep trying.
(I think there’s a bunch of other stuff around empathy and helping others succeed, but it’s hard to find self actualization in others - I think that comes as one of the results of trying)
I agree with your solution: be good at something. That is key to valuing yourself.
But I disagree with “the default role is gone”. What I see is that men are still expected to be the main breadwinners and providers. It’s just that that role is no longer as respected as it once was. It’s a silent “minimum” that’s expected of men, and we’d better not complain about it.
People may say that men no longer need to be breadwinners and providers, but in practice men who aren’t are looked down upon and have trouble finding a partner.
Man, who cares. It’s not about masculinity or feminity.
Just be yourself and be kind to others. That’s all that matters.
You’re enough.
We care. Because there is a lot of negative messaging about men, and young men especially get distorted ideas because of that. As an educator that’s important to me.
