(Content warning, discussions of SA and misogyny, mods I might mention politics a bit but I hope this can be taken outside the context of politics and understood as a discussion of basic human decency)

We all know how awful Reddit was when a user mentioned their gender. Immediate harassment, DMs, etc. It’s probably improved over the years? But still awful.

Until recently, Lemmy was the most progressive and supportive of basic human dignity of communities I had ever followed. I have always known this was a majority male platform, but I have been relatively pleased to see that positive expressions of masculinity have won out.

All of that changed with the recent “bear vs man” debacle. I saw women get shouted down just for expressing their stories of being sexually abused, repeatedly harassed, dogpiled, and brigaded with downvotes. Some of them held their ground, for which I am proud of them, but others I saw driven to delete their entire accounts, presumably not to return.

And I get it. The bear thing is controversial; we can all agree on this. But that should never have resulted in this level of toxicity!

I am hoping by making this post I can kind of bring awareness to this weakness, so that we can learn and grow as a community. We need to hold one another accountable for this, or the gender gap on this site is just going to get worse.

  • Cryophilia@lemmy.world
    0·
    2 months ago

    So, honest question. How do we explain it to you, so we don’t offend you, but you actually hear us?

    “Not all men” is not a joke. It should not be mocked. It is a very serious and extremely important TRUE statement that needs to be acknowledged. I’ve never sexually assaulted a woman. The vast majority of men have not. So, with all due respect, fuck you for lumping me in with those bastards. That is a line called sexism which you may not pass.

    If you’re speaking to a room of 100 men, and you say “hey assaulting women is bad and it makes our lives worse”, and 98 men are nodding and agreeing, and 2 men start shouting and calling you a bitch…don’t say “men” don’t hear you.

    I’m not saying we understand, mind you. That takes a lot of work, experience, empathy and just plain old knowledge. But we hear you and we agree. We’re on your fucking side. We’re trying to make things better. We’re putting in the work.

    But like…seriously. You think we don’t know? You think we’re not aware? You think we’ve just ignored everything women have been telling us for at least 70 years? You don’t have to tell us, we already know. Yes, some men refuse to listen when women tell them what it’s like. Guess what, they also refuse to listen when men tell them what it’s like. And we don’t associate with them. Men are not a monolith.

    The experience of being a man in feminist circles is one of constantly having women scream at you to stop raping women, and you’re like “but I’ve never even thought about raping” and they just scream louder “STOP RAPING WOMEN”. It’s exhausting.

    I’m starting to ramble, so here’s a concise answer to your question:

    1. recognize that almost anyone who would listen to you at all most likely already agrees with you.

    2. discuss solutions. Men like solutions more than commiserating.

    3. treat it as an “us vs them” problem, not a “me vs you” problem.

    4. remember that men have feelings, and in many ways we’re much more thin skinned than women. And that’s not bad, just different. Please be considerate.