The picture that made you click on this post was captured 2 weeks ago. 165lbs 5’8. I’m no longer obese, I haven’t been for months now, but I’m still stared up and down from other strangers who are trying ascertain whether I pose a threat or not.
I’m walking forward and not acknowledging you and yet you’re fiddling around with ur pockets or moving away from me. I could share more but people have a tendency to question what really happened in x experience, derailing the discussion entirely. I’m stuck in Vancouver for the foreseeable future and I’d appreciate it if you just answered the question.
I’m not interested in empty platitudes or comments unrelated to the topic at hand. “What can I change about my face to make the average vancouverite less scared of me”. That’s it. I’m not expecting anyone here to be an expert on anthropology but this is an (mostly, IDK ur OSINT but me personally idc anymore) anonymous forum. Say that I look tired and I’ll look for surgeons who can handle complex eyelid surgeries. Id appreciate candidness. Random assortment of photos I found within the last year. I can’t be half assed to remove identifying information anymore.
My friend, I think you might be struggling with anti-Black racism, and I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience that. People who find your face or appearance intimidating are probably racist. If/when you believe (internalize) that racism, that can make things worse.
This applies to everyone - when we feel safe around others, we are more at ease, and will give off vibes of safety to others - and it’s a positive feedback cycle.
If you have had a lot of interactions with racist people recently and you don’t have a support system that can help you cope with that, you might begin to believe that you intrinsically are the problem, and that would cause fear in anyone.
You seem like a really lovely and fun person. I think your focus should maybe be more about coping with racism and mental health than making your face look less intimidating. Maybe reach out to others for support - particularly those who have lived experience of dealing with anti-Black racism. If your boss is racist, getting another employer would be ideal too - but that’s easier said than done and might take a little while to fix. And ideally don’t date people who themselves and/or their families don’t accept you being Black.
I’m rooting for you!!! Hang in there and take care of yourself! You are not alone. I hope things start to get better for you soon! Virtual hug from Toronto <3 :)
I can’t win.
My boss and my friends regularly make racial jokes. Old Asian ladies look visibly upset when they suddenly see me and people have steered onto oncoming traffic to avoid walking in my general direction. Professors think I’m fucking retarded and I have to prove extra hard to them that I’m serious about this class.
I think indigenous people have it worse than me.
It is in my best interest to not appear black. I’m 96% Ghanaian. Even looking vaguely Indian or mixed would be a massive improvement in regards to how society perceives me.
I’ll try using this example:
Being very short in a very tall society as a man sucks. People automatically see you as being less masculine. You will have a harder time dating. Shorter people, regardless of competency, will earn on avg significantly less money over the course of a life time compared to taller people.
There exists really short people who have managed to attain a high income, a partner who loves them and is well respected by the society they live in. This person would also both be out of the norm and will admit that their life was unusually harder compared to his average height peers.
We now have surgery to increase your height. The short dude in question here would be justified in believing that life would be easier for him if he was taller.
I’m very black in a very not-black city. It is ultimately in my best interest to appear less obviously black. I can’t speak for Toronto but I’m not convinced that there is a pro black region anywhere. If you’re white/South asian/East Asian/Arab, you will be perceived as more competent than local Ghanaians as soon as you step foot in the country.
Skin bleaching happens to a ridiculous degree in Ghana.
I know my nose signifies that I’m black so I’m talking to a surgeon about rhinoplasty ATM. It would be nice if people just set aside their need to tell me that it’s racist the way I’m perceived and actually gave me some advice. We both agree that black = bad, so let’s skip over this conversation entirely.
Black does not equal bad.
I’ve known a few Ghanaians in my area of Ontario.
I have a Nigerian friend who used to room with an Indian. The Indians parents thought she was so dark because she didn’t shower enough.
You’re a handsome guy. You don’t need surgery. You’re likely just in a very racist area
I’m white (for what that’s worth) and there’s lots about your experience that to be honest that I cannot relate to well. But you seem like a really good person who’s struggling all on their own (I’d probably guess you don’t have family in Canada at the moment) in a really difficult situation.
In Western countries, plastic surgery for self-esteem reasons does not usually increase self-esteem.
I strongly, strongly recommend you seek counselling (with someone who has experience with racism) if you can access it. Maybe resources are available though school, maybe there are resources available in your city/province. If you can get some professional help, I’d really recommend it. I get the sense you’re fighting a huge battle on your own, and with all due respect I think you’re overwhelmed and becoming a little delusional (which to be fair is an understandable reaction in the face of unsolvable stress).
I’d suggest you say “I am considering multiple facial surgeries to cope with people discriminating against me at school, work, and in relationships because I’m Black. I don’t think I can be happy or successful if I don’t get facial surgeries that make me look less Black.”
If you can’t access professional support, try to seek out or strengthen your Black social support network - find people with whom you can experience community. Maybe a students’ organization, a religious group, etc. I think things have gotten to the point where professional support may be necessary and non-professionals on their own might struggle to help you. Both would be good.
I had a best friend from Ghana. He was one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen, and he was very popular. Nevertheless, his self-esteem was shit. It was shocking. Eventually he got married and he’s quite happy now. But Ghana to Canada may have been a major major culture shock on him that having someone to honestly talk to about might have helped with.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll find much relief until you’re tackling the real issue: your ongoing struggles with and internalization of anti-Black racism (as well as social isolation, perhaps).
P.S. Black is not bad, and if your “friends” are making fun of your race they’re not your friends.