About a week ago I asked a girl out and we went from a yes to her saying I was sexualizing her before the first date. I don’t know, I am really just dwelling on this too much. After a few bad experiences dating back to back. I finally decided to poke my head up and I got this.
Context - we had been chatting on and off, on the work shuttle bus for the last 3ish months. I asked her if I could take her out on a date if that was something she wanted. Initially she acted a little flattered and said yes and we exchanged numbers. The texts pick up the next day.
I don’t know why but this makes me feel really bad about myself. I know I didn’t do anything wrong but I don’t feel that way
She’s not interested in anything move on and don’t worry about it because you dodged a bullet
Thank. It’s good to hear that from an outside source.
Today’s word of the day - Miscommunication!
I think she thought you took “Adventure Buddies” as FWB, and then when you tried to explain yourself she saw it as backpeddling. Weird to use a term like that, I would usually call them “friends”. Anyway escalation, escalation, then over.
I get what you were trying to say, but it did come off as a bit oversexual. You didn’t mean it, don’t beat yourself up over it, just take it as a learning experience. Saying something outright like “FWB” to me comes off as “They have sex on the mind.” Rewording it to “I get it, I’ve tried the more casual thing and I think I’m looking for something more serious. Sounds like you aren’t, I get it, I’ve been through the same. If you do become ready, I’m always happy to meet for coffee”. And that’s it, no more follow ups, that’s the end of the conversation.
She isn’t innocent either, but I think she had her guard up and so she was in a mindset of taking things negatively. Just next time with the next person just keep it light, chill. Understanding, but yeah steer away anything that might come off as you’re trying to get in their pants. HR’s favorite phrase is “Intent is Irrelevant”, if they took it that way, then you probably should reflect on why they took it that way.
Last thing, the last message is very passive aggressive, and I know you were mad, but phrases like “You are” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” are very confrontational. A better closing would have been a simple “I’m sorry, I think we had a miscommunication, I apologize if what I said came out wrong.” “I’m sorry”, “I think”, “I apologize” instead of you
I get what you are saying, I just feel like it doesn’t fully fit. Adventure buddy was originally her language and I expressly said I didn’t want a FWB situation. It just feels to me like it was okay for her to say no, but as soon as I did I became the bad person.
IDK
Seems like a honest miscommunication. I don’t think either of you should feel bad, it just seems like y’all are on two totally different pages and because of that, wires got crossed. Don’t beat yourself up, it just isn’t a match.
EDIT: FWIW text messaging may be the worst communication medium when you’re just getting to know someone. It is so easy for things to be misconstrued, especially when exchanging huge bodies of text. I always keep texts light until I feel like I know someone’s communication style well.
